A Year Ago Today…

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A year ago today, I held an angel in my hands. Her name was Roo, and she forever changed our lives.

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It’s amazing all that has changed in just one year. I gave birth to my baby girl, and we had to say hello and goodbye in the same day. For months we put the pieces of our hearts back together. Now I’m carrying her little brother, and I remember feeling so scared to be going through this again. I knew I had no choice but to fall in love with this tiny person, and give him the same love and excitement I gave to his sister. I’ve been anxious and worried the past few days, but his kicks and squirms reassure me. I have been more worried lately because Roo is heavy on my heart. But deep down I know that we will get to bring her brother home. I have bittersweet feelings, where I find myself wishing that I could have them both, even though I know that’s not possible.

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So instead I am grateful. I am grateful for the experiences she gave me. I am grateful that she brought me even closer to my husband. I’m grateful for the little flutters she’d make in my belly, and for the brief time I carried her. I’m also grateful that she gave me the experience of labor, because she’s taken away a lot of that fear of the unknown. I’m grateful that she touched so many lives in the short time she was with us. The outpouring of love and support from loved ones, family, friends and all of my readers made us both realize just how blessed we are. But most of all, I’m grateful that she made me a mom.

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I think it’s no coincidence that the rose tree planted in her honor is in full bloom today. I like to think it’s a message from her, telling me that she’s ok. I love you and miss you baby girl. Someday I will hold you again. Until then, I promise to take good care of your baby brother, to love your daddy, and to be grateful for each new day.

Hysteroscopy and Possible Answers

Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?
Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman’s uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like [snaps fingers] that.-Friends

Wednesday was my hysteroscopy. I was so nervous when I got to the doctor’s office. My hands wouldn’t stop sweating, wouldn’t stop shaking. I was so nervous I couldn’t even pee for the urine sample! If you know anything about me and my tiny bladder, you know this was a big deal.

The procedure itself was pretty painful. Just know when a doctor tells you there will be “slight discomfort” it means it will hurt like a BITCH. At one point I was wishing I’d signed up for online life insurance because I was convinced I was going to die. The worst part was when the CO2 gas they pumped into my uterus caused extreme nerve pain. It felt just like my back labor. All of the pain was centered into my back.

I was distracted by my awesome team. My OB is really personable, and my nurse is hilarious. They kept me pretty distracted, and then once the camera was inserted, I was fixated on my uterus. “It’s not everyday you can say you looked at the inside of your uterus” my OB joked. I told her how I’m a bit of a science nerd, and I’d been researching pictures of uterine abnormalities. So when the camera passed over it, I recognized it for what it was. “Is that a septum?” I asked her. “You are a science nerd!” She’d replied. She couldn’t confirm it with absolute certainty, but she said she was fairly certain that’s exactly what I have.

She attempted to do another type of hysteroscopy, where they insert saline into the uterus to get a clearer image. By that time my pesky bladder decides now is the time to be full, so it was causing pain. The saline was also super painful, as was the pain of the gas leaving my body. It causes shoulder pain and pinching, and the cramping in my uterus and bajingo were intense. So finally, when I was whimpering with tears streaming down my face, she called it a day. She referred me to a specialist, and said she’s pretty sure he will agree with her findings.

So what does all of this mean? Well, it means potential answers. My doctor’s theory is that my placenta attached to the uterine septum, and didn’t get a proper hold. This eventually caused a gradual placental tear as Roo got bigger. It would explain the bleeding and then ultimately the preterm labor. If I do have the septum, then a simple surgery could remove it. I’ve been reading up on this uterine abnormality, and the success rate of the surgery is really encouraging. Many women go on to have NORMAL pregnancies. How amazing would that be?

I came home to a yummy homecooked meal from Match. He had prescription motrin ready for me, and my comfiest pajamas and gave me backrubs while I complained of the residual cramping pain. We talked about the doctor’s findings, and the ray of hope it has given us.

This hope is of course bittersweet. If only we could have found about this before Roo, then maybe I’d still be pregnant. But the truth is most uterine septums aren’t ever detected until after a pregnancy loss. So maybe Roo’s purpose was to help us learn about my abnormal uterus, so that her future siblings can be born. I like to think that she was happy to help.