A Year Ago Today…

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A year ago today, I held an angel in my hands. Her name was Roo, and she forever changed our lives.

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It’s amazing all that has changed in just one year. I gave birth to my baby girl, and we had to say hello and goodbye in the same day. For months we put the pieces of our hearts back together. Now I’m carrying her little brother, and I remember feeling so scared to be going through this again. I knew I had no choice but to fall in love with this tiny person, and give him the same love and excitement I gave to his sister. I’ve been anxious and worried the past few days, but his kicks and squirms reassure me. I have been more worried lately because Roo is heavy on my heart. But deep down I know that we will get to bring her brother home. I have bittersweet feelings, where I find myself wishing that I could have them both, even though I know that’s not possible.

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So instead I am grateful. I am grateful for the experiences she gave me. I am grateful that she brought me even closer to my husband. I’m grateful for the little flutters she’d make in my belly, and for the brief time I carried her. I’m also grateful that she gave me the experience of labor, because she’s taken away a lot of that fear of the unknown. I’m grateful that she touched so many lives in the short time she was with us. The outpouring of love and support from loved ones, family, friends and all of my readers made us both realize just how blessed we are. But most of all, I’m grateful that she made me a mom.

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I think it’s no coincidence that the rose tree planted in her honor is in full bloom today. I like to think it’s a message from her, telling me that she’s ok. I love you and miss you baby girl. Someday I will hold you again. Until then, I promise to take good care of your baby brother, to love your daddy, and to be grateful for each new day.