We’re now reviewing the quarter of the year I dreaded looking back on: April, May and June. These were the hardest of my life. I still appreciate how so many of you helped to uplift me from afar with your words of comfort and love. I can’t thank you enough for being there for us.
I went to the ER, and things started getting really scary with my pregnancy with Roo. I found out that Sassy Girl was a terrible friend. Then on April 15th, we lost our sweet baby girl. I shared Roo’s story with you, and you were all so supportive.
Geeky and Couple Wife came to visit me and spend some much needed day out with the girls, and my beautiful, amazing bloggy friends sent me a star for Roo.
We headed to Oregon and spent time with all of our parents for some distraction and healing.
We barreled through the rest of the month, not doing too much. We attended a wedding, we worked on the house, and I worked on getting my body back in shape, and I painted a tribute to Roo in the nursery.
We went to a few summer parties, I had all kinds of tests on my uterus, and I tackled a bunch of DIY projects.
I also got my MRI results, and Match and I made some decisions regarding ttc again. I know this review was less than uplifting, but in the mist of our grief, we had fun moments too, and were blown away with just how much support we have all around us.
Join us next week as we review months July, August, and September.
Dr. Burton Grebin once said, “To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself.”-Rossi, Criminal Minds
I blogged recently about having a tough few weeks in July. I wasn’t quite ready to talk about it, but the courage of another blog friend who recently went through something similar has motivated me to speak my mind.
I always say that this blog is my journal, and it doesn’t feel right not talk about the big moments that happen in my life, no matter how sad. Last month I had a very early miscarriage. Some would call it a “chemical pregnancy”. I’m not sure how I feel about that phrase. I guess it makes sense, because I was sort of pregnant, but before the embryo really had time to do more than produce pregnancy hormones, it was gone.
I’m grateful that I only knew I was pregnant for one day. Well, I only had proof for one day from three positive tests. I had been feeling so strange the week before. So emotional, and I was so sad. It was like my grief had come back full circle, and I couldn’t explain the cause.
It turns out my hormones were raging because I was indeed pregnant. Match and I had enough time to get hopeful for one day, not even an entire day. That night we went to Chevy’s to celebrate, and I started bleeding when I went to the bathroom. I couldn’t believe this was happening again, and at Chevy’s…again. That’s where I first noticed contractions with Roo. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to that restaurant, just because it sparks so many bad memories for me.
But there was still a little bit of hope. I called the doctor in the morning, as I didn’t notice anymore blood or spotting. We were seen right away, and my doctor confirmed our fears. That what I’d experienced was the beginnings of a very early miscarriage. My doctor was amazing. She was so understanding as she ordered my rhogam shot. She happens to be about 5 months pregnant, and she confessed that she’s used IVF for both of her pregnancies. She patted my knee, and with tears in her eyes said she knows how hard this struggle is.
We talked about how I was feeling, and I told her I was relieved that it happened so early. I just can’t begin to compare this to the loss of my Roo. But I can say that it brings back all of the memories of her loss, and makes me grieve for her all over again.
The doctor also explained that because of my blood type, Rh negative, I will always have to test when I see spotting, if I’m trying to conceive. I don’t get to be like many women who have chemicals and never know it. I will always have to test because if I don’t, my body could build up antibodies for future pregnancies.
I couldn’t help but think, how is it possible that the man of my dreams, my soulmate and I have incompatible blood? I sobbed in his arms that night and told him I was so afraid. Afraid that he’d want to leave me and be with someone with Rh positive blood. Afraid that he’d think I was a huge failure because my body seems to reject our babies. He held me while I cried, and reassured me that he’s not giving up on me, on us, and on our future family.
The good news is this was our first month trying to conceive again, and we got pregnant right away. My doctor said this is a very good sign, and that we are indeed fertile. Now it’s just a matter of getting a viable egg and a viable sperm to meet up.
I’m feeling much better this month. I’ve been working out almost every day, and I’m back on my green smoothies. I’m feeling strong and healthy. I have a lot of support through Match and our parents. I told them we’re taking a break, and when and if we try again, we will not be letting them know, so please don’t ask. As my Pops put it, everyone just needs to leave me and my uterus alone for a few months. 🙂
I told them they would be the first to know if we get pregnant again (well maybe after you my sweet readers).
Until then, I’m just going to enjoy every moment of feeling strong and healthy. I’m going to soak up time with my sweet husband, and start really living in the moment. That’s something I think I’ve forgotten to do along our journey to have a baby. It was always, when I get pregnant, or I can’t do this, because I might be pregnant. So for now, I’m going to be present in the here and now. We’re going to plan trips, join a gym, and do all of the things I was putting off because we were waiting for our baby. We’re still here, we’re still so ready, but while we’re waiting, we’re going to enjoy today.
Brooke: What a perfect day.Do you think I’ll be a good mom? Julian: You’ll be an amazing mom.I’ll be grouchy and old. Brooke: You’ll be wonderful.We’re gonna adopt a baby. –One Tree Hill
Friday I received the results from my MRI. They came back negative. What my doctor had seen as a septum on the hysteroscopy turned out to be a very small fibroid, which my doctor informed me wouldn’t have affected my pregnancy with Roo. I’m skeptical. I feel like something had to have caused me to go into labor suddenly at 19 weeks. Roo was fine-there was nothing physically wrong with her. She was developing on schedule. There had to be a reason I was bleeding heavily for two weeks before having her. But I know my doctor was thorough, and ran every test that she could, and for that I’m grateful.
So we are back to square one, with no answers. My doctor said when we are ready to start trying again I’ll be followed by her and the specialist we met with before. I guess that’s reassuring. But we’re both left feeling a little bit unnerved. Here we thought we had the answer, and not only that, but the solution. It made the idea of a future pregnancy seem less scary. I’m happy to know that we’ll have a great team who will monitor me closely next time around. But we’re both absolutely terrified that this could happen again.
Match was so supportive when I told him what the doctor reported. He was as disappointed as I was, but he was encouraging too. He said we can try again, and we can also look into possibly adopting. We don’t care how a child comes to us; we just want to have the opportunity to raise one or two. I love that he’s so understanding, and so willing to try other venues, no matter the challenges they bring, when we are ready to try for our family again. I’m so lucky to have such a supportive partner.
We are heading to a wedding this weekend, and I have nervous butterflies over it. It will be the first time I’ve seen any of our friends in “The Group” since we lost Roo. We’ve been growing apart from some of them for awhile. They’re just not in the same place as we are. A lot of them love to party it up and drink every weekend, while Match and I prefer mellow nights at home. They’re not looking to move forward and grow up, while Match and I can’t wait to start a family.
I’m worried about how I’ll be, and that I won’t be fun anymore. Losing Roo changed me to my core, and I know I will never be exactly the same as I was. I don’t wish to be either. I just hope I still enjoy being around the group. I can’t wait to see Chandler and Monica though. Monica has been so supportive, even all the way in Scotland. We’ve talked about everything in detail, and she’s been an ear to listen. Tahoe Couple on the other hand…well we didn’t even hear from them when everything happened, and they live just an hour away from us. I talked to her yesterday and she didn’t mention our loss once. She just talked about mundane, superficial things, and all I wanted to do was hang up the phone. I know some people don’t know how to react to tragedy, and like to pretend it didn’t happen. I just don’t know if I care to spend much time with those people.
So wish us luck. The wedding is for Chandler’s older brother. It’s so nice that they invited us, even though we’re not that close. It’ll be good food, drinks, and probably some dancing. I’m hoping to get into the spirit of things. I love a good wedding, where it seems like you fall in love with your partner all over again. I think we’ll have fun, and we’ll dance and enjoy ourselves. But I don’t think we’ll be getting hammered, or playing drinking games until the wee hours of the night. I’m pretty sure we’ll head home early for some snuggle time and a comfy bed. Now that sounds like a good time to me!
I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I… it kills me that I can’t give her a baby… I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I’ll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife… she’s already there. She’s a mother… without a baby. -Chandler, Friends
I think this will be my last sad post, at least for awhile. I’m ready to move forward and feel better. I know I will have my relapses, like when I go on facebook and Neighbor Girl and my cousin’s girlfriend have adorable pictures up of their belly bumps, and mine should be up there right along side theirs. But overall I just want to be happy. The doctor’s visit on Monday was really hard, but it also helped us both in moving forward.
I was nervous about the visit because it was of course a huge reminder of loss. The last time I was there had been so happy. When I checked in with reception she asked me how many weeks I was. I choked back tears as I told her we’d lost the baby. She felt so bad, and it turns out some jackwagon had booked my appointment as a prenatal. Seriously?
Then when I saw the nurse she asked me for my 2nd trimester paperwork. I wanted to scream, do I look 20 weeks pregnant to you?! But instead I whispered that I didn’t think I needed it, since I’d already delivered. That’s when she looked up and really saw me, instead of just another patient. She handed me tissue and squeezed my hand. After she left the exam room to get Match I just broke down sobbing. He came in and held me. I just couldn’t believe it was still so tough, and that my emotions were so raw. I eventually shook it off and the doctor came in.
She was wonderful, and so compassionate. She went over their findings, and unfortunately didn’t have any answers as to why this happened. She did pull some strings and got us in to see the high risk doctor that same day. He reassured me about my fears for my next pregnancy, starting with him not believing that my cervix was the root cause. I was so worried about a future pregnancy being stitched up and on full bedrest for most of the 9 months. He said he thought it was likely that the placenta had a tear or never properly attached fully, and it just was too small to be detected on the ultrasounds.
He said next time he would be following me closely, doing ultrasounds every two weeks, plus progesterone shots and probably not bedrest. He thought blood thinners might also help with placental attachment. I felt reassured, and I felt heard. It was a really good feeling. He recommended a few follow up tests which I will be getting, including a hysteroscopy. They’ll be looking at my uterus in detail to see if they can find anything that might have caused problems. I’m just glad they’re doing everything in their power to prevent this from happening again. I don’t think I have the strength to go through that twice.
We left the office feeling better about the future. We both know that next time is going to be full of worry and anxiety, but there will also be hope. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that we were meant to raise a child, hopefully more than one, whether it’s a baby we make, or one that we adopt and make our own. We are both filled with so much love and can’t wait to share that with a little person someday.