It Wasn’t Meant to Be

 Dr. Burton Grebin once said, “To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself.”-Rossi, Criminal Minds

I blogged recently about having a tough few weeks in July. I wasn’t quite ready to talk about it, but the courage of another blog friend who recently went through something similar has motivated me to speak my mind.

I always say that this blog is my journal, and it doesn’t feel right not talk about the big moments that happen in my life, no matter how sad. Last month I had a very early miscarriage. Some would call it a “chemical pregnancy”. I’m not sure how I feel about that phrase. I guess it makes sense, because I was sort of pregnant, but before the embryo really had time to do more than produce pregnancy hormones, it was gone.

I’m grateful that I only knew I was pregnant for one day. Well, I only had proof for one day from three positive tests. I had been feeling so strange the week before. So emotional, and I was so sad. It was like my grief had come back full circle, and I couldn’t explain the cause.

It turns out my hormones were raging because I was indeed pregnant. Match and I had enough time to get hopeful for one day, not even an entire day. That night we went to Chevy’s to celebrate, and I started bleeding when I went to the bathroom. I couldn’t believe this was happening again, and at Chevy’s…again. That’s where I first noticed contractions with Roo. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to that restaurant, just because it sparks so many bad memories for me.

But there was still a little bit of hope. I called the doctor in the morning, as I didn’t notice anymore blood or spotting. We were seen right away, and my doctor confirmed our fears. That what I’d experienced was the beginnings of a very early miscarriage. My doctor was amazing. She was so understanding as she ordered my rhogam shot. She happens to be about 5 months pregnant, and she confessed that she’s used IVF for both of her pregnancies. She patted my knee, and with tears in her eyes said she knows how hard this struggle is.

We talked about how I was feeling, and I told her I was relieved that it happened so early. I just can’t begin to compare this to the loss of my Roo. But I can say that it brings back all of the memories of her loss, and makes me grieve for her all over again.

The doctor also explained that because of my blood type, Rh negative, I will always have to test when I see spotting, if I’m trying to conceive. I don’t get to be like many women who have chemicals and never know it. I will always have to test because if I don’t, my body could build up antibodies for future pregnancies.

I couldn’t help but think, how is it possible that the man of my dreams, my soulmate and I have incompatible blood? I sobbed in his arms that night and told him I was so afraid. Afraid that he’d want to leave me and be with someone with Rh positive blood. Afraid that he’d think I was a huge failure because my body seems to reject our babies. He held me while I cried, and reassured me that he’s not giving up on me, on us, and on our future family.

The good news is this was our first month trying to conceive again, and we got pregnant right away. My doctor said this is a very good sign, and that we are indeed fertile. Now it’s just a matter of getting a viable egg and a viable sperm to meet up.

I’m feeling much better this month. I’ve been working out almost every day, and I’m back on my green smoothies. I’m feeling strong and healthy. I have a lot of support through Match and our parents.  I told them we’re taking a break, and when and if we try again, we will not be letting them know, so please don’t ask. As my Pops put it, everyone just needs to leave me and my uterus alone for a few months. 🙂

I told them they would be the first to know if we get pregnant again (well maybe after you my sweet readers).

Until then, I’m just going to enjoy every moment of feeling strong and healthy. I’m going to soak up time with my sweet husband, and start really living in the moment. That’s something I think I’ve forgotten to do along our journey to have a baby. It was always, when I get pregnant, or I can’t do this, because I might be pregnant. So for now, I’m going to be present in the here and now. We’re going to plan trips, join a gym, and do all of the things I was putting off because we were waiting for our baby. We’re still here, we’re still so ready, but while we’re waiting, we’re going to enjoy today.