Training My Emotions

We all have emotional boundaries that we set for ourselves but, all too often, we cross them. With authority and repetition, we can train animals to think and act a certain way. What about when it comes to ourselves? Can we train our emotions to sit and stay?-Marin, Men in Trees

Sunday made it exactly one week since I had last spoken to Birthday Twin. One week with not so much as a drunk dial or a text message. I was proud of myself for staying strong and waiting for him. The last time we talked, he told me that when he gets his anxiety attacks he withdraws from everyone, and that it isn’t personal. He said that when I don’t hear from him to please not be upset, and it has nothing to do with me. That doesn’t stop me from being so frustrated I could scream. It doesn’t stop me from missing him when he’s gone.

I went to church alone Sunday morning, it was only my second time going. I felt that familiar empty feeling when I watched as the couples came in, two by two. I had so much fun with BT being there last week and it really bugged me that I cared so much. I hate it when I start getting down about being alone when there are so many great things about being single. I love my independence, my freedom to do whatever I want for the day. Still, as I sat there I looked at couples holding hands, or husbands absentmindedly rubbing their wives necks while the preacher talked and I just couldn’t help thinking, I want that. I have this fabulous life, and I just want someone to share it with. I don’t think that’s much to ask. I don’t need a boyfriend, I just want one.

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Refuse to Settle for less than Butterflies

When it comes to relationships, maybe we’re all in glass houses, and shouldn’t throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies…-Carrie, Sex and the City

I haven’t posted in a week because most of this week I didn’t have much to tell. I was beginning to think that I would have to be like Carrie on Sex and the City when she goes through her dry spell and write about socks. Yikes!

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Ignoring Things to Save the Friendship

Ted: Clearly, we need to ignore this.
Robin: Clearly, we need to talk about this.
Ted & Robin: You know, to save the friendship. –How I Met Your Mother

Friday night I was sitting at home feeling bored and alone and The Enabler called. He convinced me that I should come to his town and hang out with him and The Mistake. I decided I had to see The Mistake sometime, since I hadn’t so much as talked to him since our horribly awkward night together. I felt terrible because the Mistake kept bringing up my house, or mentioning how we’d hung out every chance we got. Then he asked what I was doing Saturday night and I mumbled some really bad excuse and made my escape as soon as I could. I felt so bad, but I couldn’t believe he’d actually had fun that night. I mean, he was there too, he had to remember how bad the sex was. Right? Continue reading Ignoring Things to Save the Friendship

Alone in a Crowd

Four hundred years ago, another well-known English guy had an opinion about being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course, it was fancier when he said it. “No man is an island entire unto himself.” Boil down that island talk, and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we’re not alone. Someone to play with or run around with, or just hang out.-Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy

Last night I was having what I like to call Isolation Anxiety. The idea of being home alone filled me with panic and I couldn’t stand it. I tried going to karaoke, but even on the way I could tell it wasn’t going to help. I wanted to just hang out with one friend and talk and have a low key night. What I wanted was to hang out with Birthday Twin. I called up Personality Twin and told her how much I missed her and we bitched about the unfairness of life until I got to my karaoke spot. I walked in and immediately started having trouble breathing. Sometimes the problem with going out alone is even though you’re surrounded by people, you can still feel completely alone. Just as I walked up to the Karaoke Jockey to sign in my phone rang and it was Birthday Twin. As he has done so many times he read my mind. Continue reading Alone in a Crowd

Becoming Emotionally Available

I’m looking for love. Real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love. -Carrie, Sex and the City

Last night I went out with Personality Twin for our last night out together. She graduated from college and is leaving to start her grown up life. It was a bittersweet night, but also a great eye opener. For the first time in a very long time I went out and didn’t look around for guys. We hung out just the two of us, dancing and singing along to karaoke songs. We talked about how both of us tend to look for attention from men as a way to feel better about ourselves. We talked about how we both want to turn over a new leaf and just enjoy the people we’re around, our friends and our loved ones. I really want to do that, but it can be rough when a lot of the people closest to me have a special someone to share their life with. That’s why I’m going to miss Personality Twin so much. We’re in the same boat, and she’s been my plus one a lot of the time.

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