Hen Party

[at a bachelorette party]
Jay: [using a Black dildo as a phone] Wait a minute. Yes, Mr. President. Yes, the erection results are in.
Cal: [Holding up a blue and white striped dildo] Hey, guys, look, it’s Dr. Seuss’ penis. “I really mean this.”
Andy: [holds up a penis shaped cake tray] Hey, everybody, who wants penis cake?
Nicky: I do!
Cal: She does!
Andy: Hey, you guys, Betty Cocker! –The 40  Year Old Virgin

The Friday before the wedding Monica invited me out for a night in San Francisco as one last “wild night” before I tie the knot. So after work I hopped in the car with Monica, Monica’s Lil Sis and we headed to Tahoe Girl’s new apartment in the city. I don’t know if I mentioned this but Tahoe Couple moved to SF and live really close to the Giants Stadium!

I was so stoked about spending one last night out with the ladies. The Jack and Jill Party was awesome, but this was just us chicas. I was nervous about my stupid arm rash and really self conscious about it but the girls convinced me that no one would see it when we went out. They were right and after awhile I even forgot it was there. You can see it in a few of the pictures though because of the flash and it looks so frightening!

We started the night off with a bang when Monica pulled out penis straws for us to drink with our champagne at Tahoe Couple’s apartment. The joke of the night happened when Monica said, “Wow these are really big” meaning the straw itself. Of course Tahoe Couple’s roommate had to fire back with, “Wow that doesn’t say much for Chandler does it?” All night poor Mon had to listen to that joke on repeat!

As we were getting ready, Monica was busy working on a sign for me. I didn’t know exactly what it was until she was finished. Turns out it was my check list for the Hen Party, and included all the things I had to do on our night out.

She made me wear it the whole night, and as we went from place to place we got people to help me check off the list.

The first place we went the bouncer took one look at us and started cracking up. We had our penis straws sticking out of our dresses and he said, “Ya’ll know you’ve got penises in your cleavage right?” When we walked into the bar, the very first guy we saw came running up and took one look at my list and announced he was going to help us.
I thought maybe he’d do the easiest one on the list and just buy me a drink. But nope, instead, he did this:

Not only did he take off his shirt, he gave me a strip tease. This was the very first person we saw. Right then we knew it was going to be a good night. PS the guy was super hot, but we’re all pretty sure he was gay. Aren’t all the best strippers? He squealed when he saw us, hehe. I was sooo embarrassed during this little strip tease. My face was beat red by the time he got to taking his shirt off!

I danced with 5 strangers, I said “Hey Sexy” to 10 different strangers. I got a bartender to buy me a drink at this great bar called Butter. It’s supposed to be trashy and they served us 40s in paper bags. He bought us not one, but TWO 40s.

Ack see my rash? Ewww. But no one seemed to notice. I guess it sort of looks like I was a burn victim. It faded before the wedding thank God!!

There was a trailer inside the bar where you could buy fried food. We had some delicious mozzarella sticks. I can’t wait to go back there for Monica’s Hen Party.

Here we all are about to take jello shots outside the trailer while we waited for our food. From left to right it’s Tahoe Girl, me,  Lil Sis and Monica.

This was also the bar where I got the best check off on the list. I got a piggy back ride from a stranger! It was awkward and hilarious as it seems.

We headed back to Tahoe Couple’s place after last call, where we all proceeded to pass out as if we’d had the best natural sleeping pills in the world, aka lots of alcohol. In the morning we woke up hurting but happy because we’d had an awesome night. We all managed to be at that perfect level of pretty buzzed without being full blown trash. Our mini hangovers were cured over a big San Francisco style breakfast and laughter as we retold the stories of the night before to Tahoe Guy and Tahoe Couple’s roomie.

Have you ever heard of a Hen Party? Did you do anything wild or crazy for your bachelorette party? Do you plan on it?

The Bachelor/Bachelorette Party

Barney: Alright, fine, the stripper at Stewart’s Bachelor Party was a 15.Ted: [Appalled] She was 15?Barney: A 15. Like in blackjack.Ted: As in, not sure whether you’d hit it?Barney: Exactly!Ted: Nice. –How I Met Your Mother

I’m BAaaaack. I had such an amazing Wedding Week but I have to say it’s good to be back. I’ve missed you all and can’t wait to catch up on your blogs. I promise I will tell you all about the wedding and post so many pictures you’ll be sick of it soon. But there’s so much I haven’t told you about yet and because I’m OCD and a Virgo, we have to go in order m’kay? 🙂 Oh and I’m waiting on the professional pics before I post pictures of our faces, so still 2 more weeks for that. Like you’re all just on pins and needles right? 😉

Let’s start with the pre-parties leading up to the wedding. First and foremost, the bachelor/bachelorette, or Jack and Jill party. The theme of the party was “Black and White or Animal Print, Classy or Classless”. There was so much to work with in that theme.

I decided that Match and I would go Zebra print and tie in both the black and white as well as animal print themes. I designed a little Groom to Be button for him, complete with ball and chain. I got him an adorable zebra tie and found some ribbon to match for myself. I also found the most adorable dress ever at Kohls. I definitely plan on wearing it again.

So here’s our complete ensemble:

I’m proud of all my friends-everyone played along with the theme.

Baker Chic was the hostess and she did an amazing job. From the adorable Bride and Groom Shotglasses:


To an awesome version of the NewlyWed game that she had me and Match play. I loved how everyone got in on the game. Everyone crammed into the living room and howled with laughter as I had to describe the craziest place we’ve ever done it.

I loved that even though there were distinct different groups of our friends there, everyone got along great. It felt like one big group of old friends and everyone actively participated in all the games.

Monica bought me the coolest gift-it’s a garter belt with a flask built in. I’m thinking I need to wear this regularly.

Chandler was put in charge of hats for when we played Presidents and Assholes. He did a great job and there was  a Woody hat, a Cookie Monster Hat, a Ducky hat,  and the most fabulous and most used, a beer hat.

Even Baker’s dog got a chance to wear it. He looks like he’s really enjoying it doesn’t he?

Or and least I forget, there was the I enjoy hat…

It was such a fun night. I was incredibly hung over but it was worth it. I guess towards the end of the night I just took off upstairs and passed out on Baker’s parent’s memory foam mattress. I have a tendency to do that. I’ll be partying hard and then sleep just hits me and I wander off. It’s kind of funny because one minute I’m the life of the party and the next minute I’m curled up in a ball on the couch sound asleep. I’m lucky no one has ever tried to draw on me or anything!!

I can’t wait until Token Gay Guys (they showed up towards the end of the night as a huge surprise, they were headed home from a trip to Wyoming and drove all night to see us!!) and Monica and Chandler have their parties next year. We started a trend for co-ed parties. Everyone had a great time!

The Right Place. At the Right Time.

The great moments of your life won’t necessarily be the things you do. They’ll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I’m not saying you can’t take action to affect the outcome of your life. You have to take action. And you will! But never forget, that on any day, you could step out the front door, and your whole life could change forever. You see the Universe has a plan kids; and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It’s a scary thought, but it’s also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working… Making sure that you end up exactly where you’re supposed to be.. exactly when you’re supposed to be there. The right place. At the right time. –Ted, How I Met Your Mother

When I first had contact with Match, I was at my computer, battling with pop up ads for home everything coupons, not exactly meeting him randomly in a bar. Still, for me, I was at the right place emotionally, and it was the right time because I was finally ready for this huge life changing thing: meeting my soul mate.

The first time we talked on the phone I remember thinking to myself, “Something big is happening here.” I just had this feeling that my life was about to change completely. When we met that next day, I remember sitting down next to him like it was the most natural thing in the world. I thought, “I could sit next to this man for the rest of my life.”

Now here I am, about to be married. I don’t have the right words to express how happy I am at this moment. I can say that all the events that led up to this moment, all of the nights I spent crying home alone of yet another broken heart, they all happened for a reason. If I had met Match even three years ago, I don’t know that I would have been ready. I think I had to have those heart breaking experiences in order to fully appreciate just how wonderful Match is.

I can’t wait to walk down that aisle and know that at the end of it is him. He is the man who can complete my sentences, who knows my deepest fears and my highest hopes. I wanted to share with you my dear readers my vows to Match. We’ve written some vows together that we’ll both repeat but we also each wrote a paragraph in private that we’ll read to each other at the ceremony before the vows. Here is what I will read, or more likely sob, to Match:

When I first met you, I thought I would be so nervous when we spoke. But the minute we said hello, I felt like we’d known each other for years. All I can say is I never felt such a combination of excitement and comfort at the same time. Falling in love with you was the easiest thing I’ve ever done. It felt so right from the beginning. In the past I always felt that I had to change who I was to accommodate other people. I thought that was what love was. But when I met you, I could finally be me. I found exactly what I’ve been looking for my whole life. I found my best friend. I love that you have committed yourself to a life of public service and helping people. You are such a pure and good man, and I love that you’re so completely honest. Sometimes even brutally! 🙂 I trust you with all of my heart and I am so proud to call you my husband.

Post It Note Tuesday-Meet the Fockers

I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I’m sure they’re decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named their son Gaylord Focker. -Jack Byrnes, Meet the Fockers

I’ll get to the rest of the Carmel story I promise. I just haven’t posted a PINT in a long time and I’ve missed it. I need to catch you up on current events in the short and sassy way that only a PINT can.