Joy: What the hell are you doing?
Darnell: Throwing you a surprise party.
Joy: My birthday’s not till next week!
Darnell: That’s the surprise. -My Name is Earl

Yesterday was Tahoe Girl’s mom’s 60th birthday surprise party. Us “kids” did the majority of the work so the parents could enjoy themselves. We cooked, cleaned, hosted, decorated, and generally busted our bums running around the steel buildings. The hard work paid off and we all had a blast. I didn’t realize just how much work goes into big parties until this weekend.

We got to town on Friday afternoon and hit the ground running. We stayed at Tahoe Girl’s neighbors house, just behind her parents home. We spent the afternoon baking and prepping pasta salads, marinades and all the apps for the big event. This was done while drinking bottles of wine and laughing a lot.

Tahoe Girl and I came up with the idea that we should open our own event and catering business and call it “Two Drunk Chicks”, where we decorate AND party! If that were a reality show, you know you’d watch it!! We ended up finishing all the prep work and then playing beer pong and drinking games until 3 in the morning. Getting up in the morning was rough!

The surprise went off without a hitch. Tahoe Mom was completely floored and it was so cute watching her reaction.

We even had one of her friends dress up as Elvis and dance with her when she walked in.

As you know later that night we played the Triple B game and it was a hoot. We had a lot of fun but I was so exhausted the next day. It’s a lot of work being behind the scenes of a party!

Jules: Ellie, friend test.
Ellie: Fine, I’ll come.
Bobby: Friend test?
Jules: Yeah. It’s when you call your entire friendship into question and force them into doing something. I came up with it.
Trav: Sounds like you. -Cougar Town

Last Thursday was Monica & Chandler’s wedding and it was so beautiful. The ceremony was small and not everyone was invited (Match and I were among the few friends invited, we felt very VIP). The ceremony was at a family friend’s house that was absolutely stunning. I really wish I lived in this house. I didn’t get very many pictures because I was playing videographer/gopher/bridal party assistant all day. I figured I owed it to Monica because she helped me with everything when it was my big day. It was also my sneaky way to be a part of the behind the scenes action, which I loved.

One moment I was able to capture was by complete accident. It was of Match helping one of the bride’s younger family friends tie his tie. Isn’t this just the sweetest thing you’ve ever seen? This is the snapshot of the video I took of them. Match is going to be such a good daddy someday. Le Sigh.

My favorite part of a wedding ceremony is the groom when he first sees his bride and Chandler’s expression was priceless. His eyes sparkled like blue diamonds as he teared up when he saw Monica walking down the aisle. I tried to keep the tears at bay but the minute I looked over and saw that not only was the groom crying but every one of the groomsmen I just couldn’t keep it together.

After the ceremony Match and I went with Tahoe Girl’s parents and decorated M&C’s hotel room with balloons and rose petals. Then it was on to the reception! The reception was at a winery in beautiful wine country. Ladies you need to come visit me here. This is why I love Northern California. And yes there are always beautiful women dancing at wineries. It’s standard.

Her decorations were so pretty and so Monica. I loved the flowers and floating candles.

The boys have this picture tradition, that started at our wedding. It’s the butt pose and they do at every wedding now. I think it’s adorable. Some of those boys really know how to stick out their booties!

The girls went for the classic jumping in the air pose. This would have turned out great if I hadn’t jumped too soon. Notice how I’m the only one way up in the air here?

yeah, so for the official photo, I’m the only one with my legs firmly planted on the ground. I look like I didn’t even try! I kept telling them it’s because I’m short so I hit the ground faster.

Dinner was delicious and the toasts were both funny and heartwarming. The bride and groom danced to “The Way You Look Tonight” and looked so incredibly happy. Notice awkward me trying to get video and maneuver around one of the groomsmen.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but Monica and Chandler have been together for almost 10 years. They were high school sweethearts and have survived a major long distance relationship. She’s lives in Scotland for vet school and has been there for the last two years! So to see them finally married, and finally he will be moving with her so they can truly be together is the stuff of storybooks.

Another very memorable moment of the night was when Tahoe Guy came up to me and pointed out that 6 of our best friends have gotten married within the year, and not to people outside our group but to each other (Token Gay Couple, Me and Match, and now Monica and Chandler). That is pretty incredible. I was also so touched that he included me in that grouping of 6. At first I was really slow on the uptake. 6? Ohh you mean me and Match too? Lol! I’ve never been a true part of a group before, and this crew has known each other since high school. The fact that I’m counted as one of their best friends is a great feeling.

We danced for hours and got a lot of people out there on that dance floor. I got some classic footage of the bride and groom dancing with their moms, and some hilarious shots of Chandler and his patented noodle arms dance moves. We ended the night with a 2 hour ride on the party bus, where I drank champagne straight out of the bottle. The bride also tossed her bouquet on the bus, and I screamed “Crawl for it bitches!” because I’m classy like that. The night ended as you know, with me curled up on the dog bed at the in-laws.It was a great night and I’m so happy for Mr. & Mrs. Monica and Chandler!

I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I’m not saying it’s something I wanna pursue, but it’s nice to know I have options. -Mrs. Green, Friends

Saturday was the long awaited wedding of our good friend Token Gay Couple. Some may not agree with a gay wedding, but I’m a firm believer that everyone should be allowed to be happy, and to know TGC is to know these two were meant for each other.

We got ready in the morning, said a rushed goodbye to Match’s parents, then headed over to Tahoe Girl’s parent’s house to finish getting ready with the rest of the group. We were laughing because it was like prom all over again. The girls were all crammed into the bathroom primping while the boys sat around in the living room watching sports.

The minute I got there I made a beeline to the room where Monica was getting ready. I hadn’t seen her since New Year’s eve so we were both really excited to hang out. There were also friends from Santa Cruz that Match hadn’t seen since his college days. The girls helped makeup and hair clueless me get glamorous. We decided that almost all the girls wanted curls. It was pretty adorable that we all matched. Tomboy was in the wedding party and she, along with Token’s little sis, wore tuxes. She looked so cute!

Kind of a funny fun fact: out of our group, Token Gay Couple, the least traditional of all the couples, are the only couple so far to get married in a church. The ceremony was actually very traditional in many ways. It was sweet and simple and I cried the entire time. I rarely cry sad tears but I’m a sucker for happy moments. When Token said his vows, and the way the two gazed at each other…it was just pure love.

I like to think Match and I clean up nice. How cute is he in his purple shirt?

All the boys took this picture, without prompting from any of us girls. They took this same picture back at our wedding last year, and they announced that the butt pose is a new wedding tradition. I love it!

Then we piled into our cars and headed to the reception site. We staked out our table that was directly in front of the bar.  I made friends with the bartenders right away. I think they got a kick out of this short, loud little spitfire hustling up to them and saying we’d be bbfs by the end of the night. They remembered my fondness for chardonnay and by the end of the night each time I’d wiggle my way to the bar my drink would be waiting for me.

Token GC had over 200 guests at their wedding, and as such they couldn’t afford a fancy hall. Their reception was at the local fairgrounds hall, and all of the decorations were homemade. The colors were a little bright and the main lights brighter, but once they dimmed the lights the effect was actually rather pretty. Plus it really didn’t matter where we were, we were all together. Oh, and the food was home cooked by their families and it was absolutely delicious.

There were a few cool and unique parts to their already unique wedding. One was when two of Token Gay Couple’s friends sang “Lucky” by Jason Mraz and Colbie Calliat.

The other was the piñata they had set up outside. Luckily the rain stopped about an hour into the reception and the kids were able to play with the piñata. And no one got hurt. I was half expecting a bat to the crotch moment but everyone’s junk stayed in tact.

The couple’s first dance was to Tony Bennett’s “I Left My Heart in San Francisco”. It was a perfect song for the two of them, and they were so sweet to watch.

They had the mother/groom dance, with the song “Baby Mine” from Dumbo. Again, I bawled like crazy. I mean, how can you not hear that song and not remember little dumbo being rocked by his mama through her little prison cell? Ahhhh it was such a precious moment. Everyone cried happy tears.

Then there was dancing. Oh how we danced. My guns were blazing.

I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding where practically every guest was on the dance floor. The DJ was fantastic and the songs had everyone moving. He played shout and the whole crowd got into it.

We danced until the wee hours of the night. Tahoe Guy said I won because in every picture I have a ridiculous smile on my face, and as the night went on, my hair got more and more wild.

I insisted that he was the real winner, because as the night went on Tahoe Guy’s pictures became crazier and crazier. That’s him in the blue, getting lowww. 

The couple also had the money dance. For those not familiar, you line up and you give the groom (bride in most cases) money to dance with them. Of course our group came up with a very creative way to give Token his money. They had coins and he became a human slot machine. Hilarity ensued!

Like I said, I believe we have a clear winner here. ding ding ding!

Match was definitely my little good conscious on my shoulder, making me drink water and saying famous quotes like, “You’re going to regret that shot.” Which I of course did.

At the end of the night we all squished together and sang Don’t Stop Believing at the top of our lungs. We also got really touchy feely, as our group is known to do.

End of the night. Notice how everyone looks just a bit disheveled. Shirts unbuttoned, hair askew. Me with that telltale drunken grin. It was a great time. We finished off the night at Tahoe Girl’s parents house where I got even more drunk in the hot tub and played a crazy drinking game called Thumper. The last thing I remember was being curled up in the guest room at my in-laws, yelling to my MIL that “I’m INEBRIATED!” while laughing hysterically. She said, “Why yes, yes you are.”

It was my first gay wedding, and it was FABULOUS! I’m so happy for Token Gay Couple and I’m so pumped for Monica and Chandler’s wedding in just a few short weeks!

The point is you can’t trust graduation goggles. They are just as misleading as beer goggles, bridesmaid goggles and that’s just a bulky outdated cell phone in his front pocket goggles. -Robin, How I Met Your Mother

Ok, I didn’t get the pictures from Tahoe Girl yet but it’s been killing me to not write in order. So I will post the few pictures that I have, and give you the blurry details I remember from Token Gay Guys’ bachelor party.

First off, the rental house itself was incredible. I was not expecting anything fancy, but I’m telling you, I wish I could have bought this house and everything in it. I would have decorated it almost exactly the same as they did. I can see why the weekend was so expensive. Oh, and everyone insisted I stay both nights, and didn’t make me pay extra. They were all so sweet!

Garage converted into a game room.

All of the bathrooms had beautiful tile and upgraded fixtures. Seriously, don’t you want to buy this house?

This is the room I stayed in, in the attic. It was the kid’s room and sort of perfect for a shorty like me. I stayed there with the other people who came without their couple, Chandler, Chandler’s Bro, and our one single friend, Shoe Guy (he designs women’s shoes and is surprisingly not gay).

Here’s a picture of the backyard and pool area. Oh, and the guy with the really great pecks and abs. He looked like he took hgh supplements or something. He was a total tool though and had the personality of a dull pencil. Still, none of us complained that he wandered around with his shirt off half the weekend.

The place also came with a ping pong table and many games of beer pong and flip cup were played.

I’m so gangsta when I play beer pong.

We played pictionary the first night. Playing on the giant erase board is so much cooler than hunching over a notepad. There were lots of shouts and laughs at how badly drunken people draw.

And then there was the Man of the Year. He was the blow up doll that someone brought. Complete with raging erection. He ended up in most of the pictures. His face was super creepy and he looked nothing like the gorgeous model on the box that said “Man of the Year”. We nicknamed him Frank or Pete I think.

The decorations got worn and passed around for the whole party. Everywhere you looked there was a penis balloon or cartoon penis sticking out from somewhere.

Tomboy brought penis cake pans and had the brilliant idea to bake penis cakes…after we’d been drinking. She has no domestic skills (self admitted) and while I do, apparently they disappear after drinking copious amounts of alcohol. So I forgot to tell her to only fill the pans halfway. We had runny penis cake batter EVERYWHERE. I don’t have pictures of it, but it was hilarious. Of course when I told one of the other girls that normally I’m a good cook, she just looked at me and said, “Sure you are.” I really wanted to whip her up some tasty cake from scratch just to prove my point, but instead I went back to drinking.

Last weekend was Token Gay Guys’ bachelor party. It.was.epic! I’m so glad I was able to go. I will start with a warning for all the gentler readers out there. First let me say there are no pictures of penises. I actually managed to not see a single peepee all weekend, but I did see someone’s goat. More on that later. There will be pictures of cartoon penises so read at your own risk!

My adventure started a day early with a phone call from Tahoe Girl asking if I could pick her up from Bart and take her to her parents house. Match was excited for a little alone time so he didn’t mind that I left a day early. Of course later that night he was already texting me that he missed me.

We had a relaxed evening watching Parks and Recreation and laughing our asses off. We got up pretty early the next day, jazzed and ready to get to the party. We decided we needed decorations so we went to a sex shop where I quickly took pictures of a rack of sex toys and messaged it to Tahoe Guy. He was at work and told me later just how thrilled he was that I sent that picture. We found some french ticklers that were really cheap, so we decided those had to be favors.

Next stop was Spencers for a Pin the Junk on the Hunk game, some glow in the dark penis straws, and penis shaped balloons. We also stopped by Planned Parenthood and told them we were from a sorority and we were throwing a party and wanted to put out condoms to promote safe sex. The lady looked at us and said,  ”What exactly are you planning on doing at this party?” I think she thought we were giant slutskimos. We left laughing our butts off but walked away with at least 40 condoms for $5. We found a party shop that had a make your own banner kit that we had way too much fun with. When we got to the rental house we locked ourselves in one of the guest rooms and made our decorations. We spread out the decorations on the bed and the result was a little overwhelming!

We created condom streamers for the doorways, and displayed the Hunk along with his Junk on one of the walls. The most fun was coming up with phrases using the banner kit. There was a LOT of laughter going on while Token Gay Guy banged on the door asking what the hell we were doing in there.

Here’s the end result.

We decorated Token Gay Guy’s bedroom too.

Token Gay Guy’s reaction was priceless.

More stories of Cockapalozza, aka Peckerfest aka Dong Nights aka Buttbash to come!!