Safe and Sound

This morning at 10:30am, I delivered my baby Roo, a beautiful little girl. She was stillborn and there was nothing the doctors could do. Match and I are devastated. They let us say goodbye, and we held her in our arms. I hummed this song as we said our goodbyes. We love you baby girl and we will forever keep you in our hearts.

Safe and Sound

I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, I’ll never let you go
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, Don’t leave me here alone
But all that’s dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You’ll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I’ll be safe and sound

Don’t you dare look out your window darling
Everything’s on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold onto this lullaby
Even when the music’s gone

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You’ll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I’ll be safe and sound

Just close your eyes
You’ll be alright
Come morning light,
You and I’ll be safe and sound…

Taylor Swift, Hunger Games Soundtrack

The One Where DG Goes to the ER

Duncan: Is the baby OK?
Anne: Yeah, the baby’s… learning to tap-dance I think. –Highlander

Friday evening I was feeling fine except for some slight stomach cramping. I had been a good little patient, resting all day with my feet up. I went upstairs to get ready for bed, went to the bathroom, and just about fainted. My panty liner was soaked with bright red blood and there was blood all in the toilet bowl. I immediately dialed the Kaiser advise nurse with shaking fingers. After describing my symptoms she insisted I go to the emergency room, and said I couldn’t go alone.

I called Match bawling. I have never felt so scared and alone in my life. He said he would try to get off work and come to the ER, but even if he could leave right away, he was still a 40 min car ride. I called Neighbor Girl, and thank god she answered right away. I barely had to get the words out when she said she was on her way. That 10 minutes waiting for her felt like an hour. She’s the friend who is pregnant too, just a week behind me so I knew she knew what kind of terror I was going through.

When we got to the hospital, amazingly there was no one else in the waiting room. They got me checked in right away, and Neighbor did a great job distracting me. We talked about anything besides what could be going on, which really helped calm me down.

Right as the ER doctor came in to do the pelvic exam, Match walked in the room. I was so relieved he was there! I kept apologizing over and over, and he just kept saying it wasn’t my fault. The doctor did the pelvic exam and said my cervix was closed up tight. WHEW.

Then he hooked up the ultrasound, and we saw our Roo, happily swimming around. My eyes immediately teared up and Match squeezed my hand. Baby Roo is ok, heartbeat is strong, the worst hasn’t happened. Then the nurse hooked me up to an iv, gave me fluids and they set off to run some tests.

smiling because we just saw Roo moving around. So relieved!

We ended up staying in the ER for 8 hours. They did a more detailed ultrasound to try to pinpoint why I keep bleeding. They ran all sorts of tests to make sure I didn’t have an infection, and to see that my blood counts were good. Everything came back normal. So the doctor was stumped. He sent me home with the same instructions I’ve had for the past week. Modified rest: try to limit my activity as much as I can, and try to relax. The placenta is in the right spot, my cervix isn’t too short or weak, and Roo is healthy, happy and protected. They even gave us a few keepsake photos of Roo. These are the most detailed ones to date! They may have also mentioned what they thought the gender is…but I won’t get excited yet, until we confirm it at our next visit. 🙂

The day felt like it lasted a year. I was awake for over 24 hours and completely emotionally and physically drained. Match took me home and took care of me, curling up on the couch with his hand on my belly. We both talked about how scared we’d been. I’m so grateful. I can’t say that enough. I’m just so very grateful. I don’t care if I have to rest for the next 4 months. I don’t care if I gain a 100 pounds (ok maybe I care a little). I just care that my baby is safe. We’re healthy, and we’re going to be ok.

Singing Lullabies

Modified rest leaves me with a lot of time on my hands. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of listening to music while I do my online work. I’ve been singing along with the radio to little Roo, since I read that Roo’s little ears can now actually hear me! I’m trying to learn lullabies to sing to Roo. I think it’d be so fun to get a Euphonix MC Control and record a cd of my favorite lullabies with my voice for little Roo to fall asleep to. It’d also be good for me since I haven’t been singing nearly as much as I used to. I need to start practicing again!

4 Months

Sam: And now, since I drank five sodas before we started tonight, I must go pee.
Carly: Sam!
Sam: You want my bladder to explode live on the internet?
Carly: Ew, no. –iCarly

How Far Along: 4 months  (16 weeks)

Size of Baby: avocado

Weight Gain: I’ve gained a total of 4 pounds since the beginning. I know that number will skyrocket eventually. I sure feel heavier! The bump is growing every day and I’m starting to feel more pregnant.

Movement: I’ve been feeling these little flutters since around week 11. My tech said I would feel them early because of the tilt of my uterus. Whenever I feel them I stop what I’m doing and try to concentrate, but they usually disappear. I can’t wait until they are full on kicks that Match and I will both be able to feel.

Cravings: fruit! I blame it on the warm weather. All I want is refreshing fruit, the sweeter the better.

Food Aversions:
Nothing really. I have a healthy appetite! One problem is I can’t seem to make up my mind. Everything sounds good.

Symptoms:

Last week I had the round ligament pain which was sort of a pulling, achy feeling really low in my stomach. It felt like I had done a bunch of crunches. It was uncomfortable, but not too bad. It was nothing compared to what happened when I thought I might have to go to the ER last week. I can attribute it to my tilted uterus.

Apparently us tilted ladies have to be careful about letting our bladders get too full. I did this on the trip up to Ashland. By the time we got to the hotel I thought my bladder would burst. But I sat down and…nothing. It was the most excruciating pain I’ve ever felt (til labor I’m sure!). I had to walk around, jump up and down, at one point I got down on all fours and just rocked, hoping to move the baby off my bladder. If you’ve ever had the urge to pee but couldn’t, I feel for you. That shit HURTS. Match was beside himself with worry. He said, “I know labor is supposed to hurt, but going pee shouldn’t!” I did a lot of googling, and it turns out this happens to a lot of women, because the way the uterus and baby are positioned by the bladder, and the tilted uterus just gets in the way of everything. The more full my bladder gets, the harder it is to empty it. Crazy huh? So now I go whenever I have to go. Which means I’m in that bathroom constantly. But hey, it’s exercise right?

Learning Guitar for Roo

Now that Roo’s little earbones are starting to develop, I keep thinking of my abandoned hobby: learning to play the guitar. Match and I bought two guitars on a whim, and started practicing. Then one day we just stopped and never picked it up again. I think it would be so amazing to learn to play guitar so I could play songs and sing for my little Roo.

I started browsing the Fender website, and I found all sorts of things I should get to go with my guitar. First and foremost would be a book on how to actually play the guitar. I also need a tuner, because the one attached to my guitar doesn’t work that well. I couldn’t help admiring the ukuleles. I love the sound they make when played correctly. I always think of the song Over the Rainbow as redone by Israel Kamakawiwo’Ole and how much I would love to play that. I daydream about how easily my little Roo would fall asleep to that sound; maybe even magically stop crying. Better yet, maybe one day become a gifted guitarist themselves. So I think I may start doing a little practicing. Even if all I learn is “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” I’ll be thrilled!