3 Years in Heaven

Today marks the 3rd anniversary of the day we met and said goodbye to our little Roo. Each year gets easier, but on this day especially, I kept thinking about her. I wondered what she would look like, this 3 year old daughter of mine. Would she be a sassy little thing, a little motor mouth like her brother? Or would she be shy and reserved like her daddy?

I think about how happy I was when I first found out I was pregnant with her, and I try to focus on all those good memories. There were so few, as most of my pregnancy was filled with such fear and pain. I am so grateful for what I have now, and the beautiful boy who we got to keep. It was even harder to say goodbye to him as he headed off to daycare today. When he got home, I hugged him a little tighter, and let him read one more book before bed. Because of her, I remembered to be more patient with his tantrums and toddlerness, and to soak up those precious bedtime cuddles.

Happy angelversary baby girl. I know one day I will get to hold you again, and this time with joy in my heart, not sadness. Thank you for the lessons you’ve taught me, and for making me a mother. Mommy loves you and misses you every day.

A Year Ago Today…

heaven

A year ago today, I held an angel in my hands. Her name was Roo, and she forever changed our lives.

roo

It’s amazing all that has changed in just one year. I gave birth to my baby girl, and we had to say hello and goodbye in the same day. For months we put the pieces of our hearts back together. Now I’m carrying her little brother, and I remember feeling so scared to be going through this again. I knew I had no choice but to fall in love with this tiny person, and give him the same love and excitement I gave to his sister. I’ve been anxious and worried the past few days, but his kicks and squirms reassure me. I have been more worried lately because Roo is heavy on my heart. But deep down I know that we will get to bring her brother home. I have bittersweet feelings, where I find myself wishing that I could have them both, even though I know that’s not possible.

heavenandearth

So instead I am grateful. I am grateful for the experiences she gave me. I am grateful that she brought me even closer to my husband. I’m grateful for the little flutters she’d make in my belly, and for the brief time I carried her. I’m also grateful that she gave me the experience of labor, because she’s taken away a lot of that fear of the unknown. I’m grateful that she touched so many lives in the short time she was with us. The outpouring of love and support from loved ones, family, friends and all of my readers made us both realize just how blessed we are. But most of all, I’m grateful that she made me a mom.

rootree

I think it’s no coincidence that the rose tree planted in her honor is in full bloom today. I like to think it’s a message from her, telling me that she’s ok. I love you and miss you baby girl. Someday I will hold you again. Until then, I promise to take good care of your baby brother, to love your daddy, and to be grateful for each new day.

Unexpected Tears

“Gone yet not forgetten,
although we are apart,
your spirit lives within me,
forever in my heart.” -unknown

Things have been going so well for us this month, so much so that when a trigger hits me, I am floored, and sometimes my tears start before I even realize why I’m crying.

The first bout of unexpected tears I’ve had in weeks happened a few weekends ago, at Shift Buddy and his wife’s party for their baby who just turned one. I was holding Walking Buddy’s little boy, giving him a bottle, when everyone started singing happy birthday to the birthday boy. Match looked over at me, and I was blinking back unexpected tears. He happened to be snapping a picture of me and Walking Buddy’s baby, and saw that I was struggling not to cry.

I told him after we left that the song just reminded me that we will never get to sing Happy Birthday to Roo, and it made me so sad.

The next trigger happened just this past Sunday at our potluck. I was visiting with Shift Buddy’s wife and she confided in me that she’s 7 weeks pregnant. Her son just turned 1 the week before! To say that I was shocked was an understatement. It took a lot of strength to turn on a fake smile and look happy for her. It’s not her fault that I’m still grieving, and it’s not her fault that she can just practically look at a penis and get pregnant.

She did utter the words, “we weren’t even really trying” and I had to swallow the urge to throw up. It took us 9 long months of trying, only to lose our baby. Again, I know none of that is her fault, but sometimes the unfairness of the world just makes me mad.

I know one day I’ll be in a place where I won’t have to fake a smile when yet another friend tells me they’re pregnant, or swallow my anger when a friend bitches to me and says, “Well at least you don’t have to worry about kids, I’m so tired all the time. Enjoy your freedom.” I just want to scream!

I’ve also been getting a lot of invitations to baby showers this summer which is so tough because this month I was supposed to have my shower.

At the potluck, Neighbor Girl said to me, “Wow I was impressed that Match remembered I was 31 weeks along!” I said, “I know…it’s because I would have been 32.”

I’m so grateful that most days I’m really strong and that those unexpected tears don’t last too long. But sometimes I also appreciate the tears. They remind me of my Roo, and I take a moment to celebrate her.

I’m also so appreciative for this outlet to vent, rather than pushing my well meaning friends away. They can’t truly know what this grieving is all about, unless they’ve been there. And I pray that they never ever will be.

 

MRI Results

Brooke: What a perfect day.Do you think I’ll be a good mom?
Julian: You’ll be an amazing mom.I’ll be grouchy and old.
Brooke: You’ll be wonderful.We’re gonna adopt a baby. –One Tree Hill

Friday I received the results from my MRI. They came back negative. What my doctor had seen as a septum on the hysteroscopy turned out to be a very small fibroid, which my doctor informed me wouldn’t have affected my pregnancy with Roo. I’m skeptical. I feel like something had to have caused me to go into labor suddenly at 19 weeks. Roo was fine-there was nothing physically wrong with her. She was developing on schedule. There had to be a reason I was bleeding heavily for two weeks before having her. But I know my doctor was thorough, and ran every test that she could, and for that I’m grateful.

So we are back to square one, with no answers. My doctor said when we are ready to start trying again I’ll be followed by her and the specialist we met with before. I guess that’s reassuring. But we’re both left feeling a little bit unnerved. Here we thought we had the answer, and not only that, but the solution. It made the idea of a future pregnancy seem less scary. I’m happy to know that we’ll have a great team who will monitor me closely next time around. But we’re both absolutely terrified that this could happen again.

Match was so supportive when I told him what the doctor reported. He was as disappointed as I was, but he was encouraging too. He said we can try again, and we can also look into possibly adopting. We don’t care how a child comes to us; we just want to have the opportunity to raise one or two. I love that he’s so understanding, and so willing to try other venues, no matter the challenges they bring, when we are ready to try for our family again. I’m so lucky to have such a supportive partner.