Lily: I could totally let you down. Has that thought not occurred to you?
Marshall: Not even for one second. Not having a baby would suck, but the idea of you letting me down, that’s impossible.-How I Met Your Mother
My good bloggy friend IA recently wrote a post about how so many of us bloggers need to remember to get real in our posts and to take off the rose colored glasses. You guys know that normally I tell it like it is on this blog, aka my diary. But lately I’ve definitely been guilty of having the rose colored glasses. Now don’t get me wrong: I’m unbelievably happy about the new house, and everything is going fine with me and Match.
But there has been something weighing on my mind for months now, and I haven’t come clean about it with you all. Now that we’re all settled in our home it’s become harder to avoid the subject too, especially among family. At our housewarming, when we’d give the tours of the house, all anyone would say was, “So when are you going to fill this house with BABIES?” It’s a harmless question, and perfectly natural to ask two happily married people who just moved into a 4 bedroom house.
But it’s not such a harmless question to two people who have wanted little else for the past few months. Make that a whopping nine months. It was 9 months ago that on the ride home from Easter Sunday with the in-laws that Match jokingly said, “I wanna put a baby in you.” To which I laughed, oh yeah, and what if I said yes? To which he said, “No really, I’m dead serious.” That’s when we sat down and talked about starting our family.
We were so naive. We were that couple that thought it would be a first time’s a charm type of thing. I hated (still do) the word “Trying” when talking about pregnancy. I hate the idea of having to work towards something that should be so natural and easy. At first I lied to myself and said it was fine. That even though I’ve been off the pill since ’09 and Match and I have been less than careful well before “trying” that it didn’t mean anything. That we needed for Match to graduate from academy, and we still had so much to do. But then each month after that would go by and the ache in my chest would get a little bigger. I have always been a swallow my emotions and tough it up kind of person. Then we started house hunting and I focused all of my energy on that instead. Then we kept getting outbid on every house we put an offer on. Once again it felt like we were constantly getting our hopes up, only to be disappointed in the end.
It doesn’t help that everywhere I look it seems like someone else is announcing a pregnancy. I think we’re just getting to that age in our lives where it’s the natural progression. The holidays don’t help. Everywhere I go I’m reminded of children.
I will never forget the day Match broke down in tears of frustration one particularly rough evening, after yet another no came from the Realtor, and another month of “symptoms” from me turned out to all be in
our my head. “I can’t give you a house, I can’t give you a baby. I feel like a failure.” I think I died a little inside that day.
But now we’re halfway there. We finally got the house. We’ve settled in, and we’re ready. We’ve even picked out the room for baby.
The rocking chair is in place; all the baby books we’ve collected over the years to read to our little one are under the window seat. I have a hard time going into that room because it’s too painful for me.
If you’re reading this and you have advice, I ask you to read the following article from thebump.com before giving it, especially if you’ve never struggled with trying to get pregnant. I have been guilty of saying many things on this list, and now that I’m in their shoes, I can’t tell you how much I wish I could take back what I’ve said.
I’m not writing this to get sympathy comments. I know so many people out there have had far harder and longer infertility struggles. But I’m just putting it out there because I need to get this off my chest. I need to be able to look back on this blog and read this to my future children. To show them just how much they were wanted. How their mommy and daddy would give anything to have their laughter fill up our home.