Trish: [sniffing] Do you smell that? Marshall: No. Trish: Smells like there’s a little bitch in my gym. Are you being a little bitch in my gym? Marshall: No. Trish: Then get on the floor and give me a hundred!-How I Met Your Mother

 with Impulsive Addict and Seriously Shawn.

• First off I can’t believe I didn’t post for a whole week. Holy crow that’s a long time for me. I was caught up with a busy whirlwind week and weekend.
• I’ve started working out again and instead of spending my days inside, I’ve been lacing up my running shoes and hitting the pavement. I can’t tell you how DAMN GOOD it feels to exercise again. I’m starting to get my body back, and I feel more like myself than I have in months. This past week has been the first week I could jog without pain in my lower abdomen/uterus, and it felt so so good to get back out there.

• My goal is to get in the best shape I possibly can before we start trying for our next baby. I want to have a strong, healthy core. The endorphin kick I get doesn’t hurt either. 
• This past Friday Match and I went to watch his fellow SERT team members (Sheriff Emergency Response Team) compete in a competition against other SERT team members from different departments. Match was sad that he couldn’t compete, but because he’d missed so many practices because of bereavement, he couldn’t participate. I could tell it was killing him. Hopefully next year!

•  It was really exciting to watch them compete, and I was blown away by the women on the teams. Here they were, doing the exact same events as the men, and some were outdoing them. These women are seriously hardcore. I’m totally inspired to kick up my workouts a notch. If they can scale 8 foot walls, run, lift super heavy steel pipes, and go through obstacle courses, then I can make it through my 10 min ab workout video. NO EXCUSES!

• The weekend went by way too fast. Match only really had one day off, since he was busy helping out with the SERT team all Friday. Saturday was spent snuggling on the couch and relaxing.
• Sunday I had a down day. One where I woke up so sad and missing Roo so much it made my chest ache. My solution for days like this is to head to yard work. You’d be amazed at how therapeutic pulling on stubborn weeds can be. I also mowed the lawn. I’ve never operated a lawn mower. I may have missed a few spots, but I was pretty proud of myself.
• Yesterday I got to spend the day with Good Wife and her 15 week old twin boys. I went with them to check out a home they’re hoping to rent in their hometown, about an hour and a half from us. They are so much cuteness, but so much work! I  don’t know how she does it every day. When one stopped crying, the other would start! I had fun being mommy’s helper. It was so nice holding sweet snuggly babies all day.
• When we got back, Match was awake and helped out with a feeding. Now isn’t this just a precious sight? He’s a total natural.

So what’s new with you? Are you taking advantage of that beautiful sunshine and getting out of the house too?

 with Impulsive Addict and Seriously Shawn.

• After a week of battling with the home warranty people over our broken AC, having an HVAC tech come out only to tell me it was the breaker, not the AC, we finally got an electrician to come out. He turned out to be a total hottie, and I was secretly glad that I had the wherewithal to wear a halfway decent outfit and put my hair into a ponytail instead of its usual hot mess. I don’t get out much, so don’t you judge me as IA would say! We also got our AC fixed and I’m no longer sweltering!
• Double Date Night this past Saturday with my long time friend (we’ve went through school K-12, literally growing up together) Mrs. Makeup (she sells Mary Kay and does permanent makeup for a living). We only live a few hours from each other, and Sacramento is a nice halfway spot for us.
• She’s the one with the adorable little girl who I cuddled with for most of our 10 year reunion. It was so nice getting out of the house and visiting with her and her fiance, and their little girl Cuddlebug. Makeup has been so supportive this past month. She’s always available for chats and I’m so grateful for her long term friendship. We don’t see each other that often, but it’s always as if no time has passed. When we got to dinner, she gave me a sweet magnet about angels, and this garden stone. Isn’t it perfect?

• We went to the Capitol Building in Sacramento after dinner. I had no idea the grounds were so beautiful.

• When we were ready to say goodbye, Cuddlebug wouldn’t stop hugging us. She kept giving me little pats on the back. I was in danger of bawling my eyes out.

• When she reached for Match, I nearly lost it. Look at how she cuddled him. I swear she knew we needed some baby cuddles.

•  I warned Mrs. Makeup that I just might take her home with us if she wasn’t careful. She cried when we left, and I cried a little too. I can’t wait to see them again!
• On the ride home Match just squeezed my hand and said, “someday”.
• Sunday I received a lot of sweet messages about Mother’s Day, and I thought about Roo many times. Match made sure I had a fun day. We bbq’d, went for a nice walk, and cuddled on the couch.
• I’ve started working out again. I have to admit, it feels damn good having strength and energy again. I’m loving the endorphin kick too.

What have you been up to lately?

I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I… it kills me that I can’t give her a baby… I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I’ll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife… she’s already there. She’s a mother… without a baby. -Chandler, Friends

I think this will be my last sad post, at least for awhile. I’m ready to move forward and feel better. I know I will have my relapses, like when I go on facebook and Neighbor Girl and my cousin’s girlfriend have adorable pictures up of their belly bumps, and mine should be up there right along side theirs. But overall I just want to be happy. The doctor’s visit on Monday was really hard, but it also helped us both in moving forward.

I was nervous about the visit because it was of course a huge reminder of loss. The last time I was there had been so happy. When I checked in with reception she asked me how many weeks I was. I choked back tears as I told her we’d lost the baby. She felt so bad, and it turns out some jackwagon had booked my appointment as a prenatal. Seriously?

Then when I saw the nurse she asked me for my 2nd trimester paperwork. I wanted to scream, do I look 20 weeks pregnant to you?! But instead I whispered that I didn’t think I needed it, since I’d already delivered. That’s when she looked up and really saw me, instead of just another patient. She handed me tissue and squeezed my hand. After she left the exam room to get Match I just broke down sobbing. He came in and held me. I just couldn’t believe it was still so tough, and that my emotions were so raw. I eventually shook it off and the doctor came in.

She was wonderful, and so compassionate. She went over their findings, and unfortunately didn’t have any answers as to why this happened. She did pull some strings and got us in to see the high risk doctor that same day. He reassured me about my fears for my next pregnancy, starting with him not believing that my cervix was the root cause. I was so worried about a future pregnancy being stitched up and on full bedrest for most of the 9 months. He said he thought it was likely that the placenta had a tear or never properly attached fully, and it just was too small to be detected on the ultrasounds.

He said next time he would be following me closely, doing ultrasounds every two weeks, plus progesterone shots and probably not bedrest. He thought blood thinners might also help with placental attachment. I felt reassured, and I felt heard. It was a really good feeling. He recommended a few follow up tests which I will be getting, including a hysteroscopy. They’ll be looking at my uterus in detail to see if they can find anything that might have caused problems. I’m just glad they’re doing everything in their power to prevent this from happening again. I don’t think I have the strength to go through that twice.

We left the office feeling better about the future. We both know that next time is going to be full of worry and anxiety, but there will also be hope. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that we were meant to raise a child, hopefully more than one, whether it’s a baby we make, or one that we adopt and make our own. We are both filled with so much love and can’t wait to share that with a little person someday.

[Crabs from the beach ask the Rangers for help finding their missing shells]
Gadget: I’m sure that if we can find their missing shells they’d be much less crabby. I mean, still crabs, but not so crab-like. Well, wait! Still crab-like, since they are crabs, after all…
Monty: Gadget luv, drop it. -Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers

The rest of our trip in Oregon was spent outside.

 I ran into an old friend I grew up with, and her daughter. Her daughter was the first child I’ve interacted with since Roo passed. I thought it would be hard but it wasn’t. It was so good to be around kids again. I love her little pigtails and her impish grin.

My friend and I had a nice visit over coffee. She’s a nurse and she gets how hard this was for us to go through. We went for a walk in old town, where we ran into another classmate, whose daughter has leukemia. Talk about putting life into perspective. She gave me a huge hug and told me that everything happens for a reason, even if we have no clue what that could possibly be.

After our visit I headed back to the docks where I watched Match catch some crabs, and yes I giggled when I wrote that. We had a feast when we got home! I wish we lived closer to where we could go crabbing on a regular basis. The food is yummy and it’s exciting to pull them up.

I said I would mention something about my mother and our visit. It was just hard being around each other this time. I think it was because we were both grieving, and also because she isn’t sure how to respond to it all. She wanted to fix me, but I’m not broken. I’m sad, but I’m not wallowing. We just do better on the phone, where we can talk, and I can roll my eyes when she drives me crazy.

This is a Sponsored post written by me on behalf of Dollar General for SocialSpark. All opinions are 100% mine.

People that know me and Match know we're a frugal couple. We don't mind spending money on some of the finer things in life, but we're very picky about where we spend our dollars. So stores like the Dollar General make our frugal hearts happy. They carry some off brands, but also well known name brands for 90% less than other stores. My favorite thing to shop for is their wrapping paper and decoration section. I can always find something I can use, or make into something great that looks a lot more expensive than what I actually paid for. 

Now that there is a Dollar General in California I'm sure to keep within our budget and build our savings up even more. The store I lovr to frequent is in #1215 3015 West Capital Avenue West Sacramento, CA 95691. I love exploring the store for inexpensive treasures. There are all sorts of fun crafts that can be made from the random items they sell. I've connected with Dollar General Facebook and signed up for alerts to even more savings. There are even some Dollar General stores that have grocery shopping. With the price of groceries always increasing, I can definitely appreciate their low prices. 

One thing I love about shopping at the Dollar General is that they support literacy. Obviously I'm a big fan of reading (if you didn't read you wouldn't be on this blog right?) so companies that support literacy are a hit with me. If you haven't checked them out, I think they are worth a second look. You'll be amazed at the great finds you can score there.