“Gone yet not forgetten,
although we are apart,
your spirit lives within me,
forever in my heart.” -unknown
Things have been going so well for us this month, so much so that when a trigger hits me, I am floored, and sometimes my tears start before I even realize why I’m crying.
The first bout of unexpected tears I’ve had in weeks happened a few weekends ago, at Shift Buddy and his wife’s party for their baby who just turned one. I was holding Walking Buddy’s little boy, giving him a bottle, when everyone started singing happy birthday to the birthday boy. Match looked over at me, and I was blinking back unexpected tears. He happened to be snapping a picture of me and Walking Buddy’s baby, and saw that I was struggling not to cry.
I told him after we left that the song just reminded me that we will never get to sing Happy Birthday to Roo, and it made me so sad.
The next trigger happened just this past Sunday at our potluck. I was visiting with Shift Buddy’s wife and she confided in me that she’s 7 weeks pregnant. Her son just turned 1 the week before! To say that I was shocked was an understatement. It took a lot of strength to turn on a fake smile and look happy for her. It’s not her fault that I’m still grieving, and it’s not her fault that she can just practically look at a penis and get pregnant.
She did utter the words, “we weren’t even really trying” and I had to swallow the urge to throw up. It took us 9 long months of trying, only to lose our baby. Again, I know none of that is her fault, but sometimes the unfairness of the world just makes me mad.
I know one day I’ll be in a place where I won’t have to fake a smile when yet another friend tells me they’re pregnant, or swallow my anger when a friend bitches to me and says, “Well at least you don’t have to worry about kids, I’m so tired all the time. Enjoy your freedom.” I just want to scream!
I’ve also been getting a lot of invitations to baby showers this summer which is so tough because this month I was supposed to have my shower.
At the potluck, Neighbor Girl said to me, “Wow I was impressed that Match remembered I was 31 weeks along!” I said, “I know…it’s because I would have been 32.”
I’m so grateful that most days I’m really strong and that those unexpected tears don’t last too long. But sometimes I also appreciate the tears. They remind me of my Roo, and I take a moment to celebrate her.
I’m also so appreciative for this outlet to vent, rather than pushing my well meaning friends away. They can’t truly know what this grieving is all about, unless they’ve been there. And I pray that they never ever will be.