Unexpected Tears

“Gone yet not forgetten,
although we are apart,
your spirit lives within me,
forever in my heart.” -unknown

Things have been going so well for us this month, so much so that when a trigger hits me, I am floored, and sometimes my tears start before I even realize why I’m crying.

The first bout of unexpected tears I’ve had in weeks happened a few weekends ago, at Shift Buddy and his wife’s party for their baby who just turned one. I was holding Walking Buddy’s little boy, giving him a bottle, when everyone started singing happy birthday to the birthday boy. Match looked over at me, and I was blinking back unexpected tears. He happened to be snapping a picture of me and Walking Buddy’s baby, and saw that I was struggling not to cry.

I told him after we left that the song just reminded me that we will never get to sing Happy Birthday to Roo, and it made me so sad.

The next trigger happened just this past Sunday at our potluck. I was visiting with Shift Buddy’s wife and she confided in me that she’s 7 weeks pregnant. Her son just turned 1 the week before! To say that I was shocked was an understatement. It took a lot of strength to turn on a fake smile and look happy for her. It’s not her fault that I’m still grieving, and it’s not her fault that she can just practically look at a penis and get pregnant.

She did utter the words, “we weren’t even really trying” and I had to swallow the urge to throw up. It took us 9 long months of trying, only to lose our baby. Again, I know none of that is her fault, but sometimes the unfairness of the world just makes me mad.

I know one day I’ll be in a place where I won’t have to fake a smile when yet another friend tells me they’re pregnant, or swallow my anger when a friend bitches to me and says, “Well at least you don’t have to worry about kids, I’m so tired all the time. Enjoy your freedom.” I just want to scream!

I’ve also been getting a lot of invitations to baby showers this summer which is so tough because this month I was supposed to have my shower.

At the potluck, Neighbor Girl said to me, “Wow I was impressed that Match remembered I was 31 weeks along!” I said, “I know…it’s because I would have been 32.”

I’m so grateful that most days I’m really strong and that those unexpected tears don’t last too long. But sometimes I also appreciate the tears. They remind me of my Roo, and I take a moment to celebrate her.

I’m also so appreciative for this outlet to vent, rather than pushing my well meaning friends away. They can’t truly know what this grieving is all about, unless they’ve been there. And I pray that they never ever will be.

 

7 Comments

    Jessica

    You are being so strong. I think you have such an amazing perspective and outlook. Every new day that you have with Match gives your marriage even more strength and the baby you have will be all the more lucky! (I hope that sounds as positive as I intend it to…)

    MiMi

    🙁 And here I have these nephews crawling out of the wood work lately. I’m so sorry. <3

    Julia

    I cannot even imagine. I’m so sorry.
    On a side note, withall the things that have to be in place to get pregnant, it makes me wonder about the whole unplanned thing…. Turns out its actually not that easy!
    Hope it gets a little easier.

    phoebe

    you are such a strong person. tears are healthy. like you said. they are part of the grieving process.
    agreed. if i hear that whole ‘you don’t have kids, enjoy your life comment…’ i too will scream… like you, i am not choosing this path, but it’s the one you and i are walking down. we will both have our families one day. i’m confident of it 🙂 xoxo from the ec

    Sarah Kate

    I just want to wrap my arms around you and give you a great big hug. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. People, like myself, who haven’t had to deal with a tragedy like you and Match have just can’t understand what it must feel like. When your friends say insensitive things to you like ‘we weren’t even trying’, I’m sure they don’t realize how it must sound to you. Through blogging and reading stories like yours I’ve learned a lot. I would hope that it’s made me more conscious of what I say around friends who’ve lost their children, because before I’m sure I would have been one of the clueless ones.

    When you are a mother (and I know it WILL happen for you) you will have a perspective that will make you appreciate everything even more. When you get tired and cranky because you haven’t slept in a week or three, you won’t need someone to slap you on the back of the head and tell you to be grateful for the precious gift you’ve been given. You’ll already know.

    Brittany

    I think you are doing so well, and it is so normal to feel like this, and anyone would do the same thing. Sometimes I think about how unfair it is that 15 years old get pregnant all the time and people who really really want kids struggle so much. It all just seems so random.

    Jenny

    I miscarried last year while a dozen people had babies around me. Hardest thing yet, I know how much those fake smiles cost! They don’t come cheaply. I had a friend recently lose her child at full-term and she put it in great words–you learn how to be okay around the sadness that’s just there everyday.

    A year later we’re pregnant and I can’t begin to tell you how amazing the journey has been, though not over yet! Yet tears for my lossed one can come in a split second, and probably always will.

Your comments make my day!