Doctor Visit and Hope

I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I… it kills me that I can’t give her a baby… I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I’ll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife… she’s already there. She’s a mother… without a baby. -Chandler, Friends

I think this will be my last sad post, at least for awhile. I’m ready to move forward and feel better. I know I will have my relapses, like when I go on facebook and Neighbor Girl and my cousin’s girlfriend have adorable pictures up of their belly bumps, and mine should be up there right along side theirs. But overall I just want to be happy. The doctor’s visit on Monday was really hard, but it also helped us both in moving forward.

I was nervous about the visit because it was of course a huge reminder of loss. The last time I was there had been so happy. When I checked in with reception she asked me how many weeks I was. I choked back tears as I told her we’d lost the baby. She felt so bad, and it turns out some jackwagon had booked my appointment as a prenatal. Seriously?

Then when I saw the nurse she asked me for my 2nd trimester paperwork. I wanted to scream, do I look 20 weeks pregnant to you?! But instead I whispered that I didn’t think I needed it, since I’d already delivered. That’s when she looked up and really saw me, instead of just another patient. She handed me tissue and squeezed my hand. After she left the exam room to get Match I just broke down sobbing. He came in and held me. I just couldn’t believe it was still so tough, and that my emotions were so raw. I eventually shook it off and the doctor came in.

She was wonderful, and so compassionate. She went over their findings, and unfortunately didn’t have any answers as to why this happened. She did pull some strings and got us in to see the high risk doctor that same day. He reassured me about my fears for my next pregnancy, starting with him not believing that my cervix was the root cause. I was so worried about a future pregnancy being stitched up and on full bedrest for most of the 9 months. He said he thought it was likely that the placenta had a tear or never properly attached fully, and it just was too small to be detected on the ultrasounds.

He said next time he would be following me closely, doing ultrasounds every two weeks, plus progesterone shots and probably not bedrest. He thought blood thinners might also help with placental attachment. I felt reassured, and I felt heard. It was a really good feeling. He recommended a few follow up tests which I will be getting, including a hysteroscopy. They’ll be looking at my uterus in detail to see if they can find anything that might have caused problems. I’m just glad they’re doing everything in their power to prevent this from happening again. I don’t think I have the strength to go through that twice.

We left the office feeling better about the future. We both know that next time is going to be full of worry and anxiety, but there will also be hope. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that we were meant to raise a child, hopefully more than one, whether it’s a baby we make, or one that we adopt and make our own. We are both filled with so much love and can’t wait to share that with a little person someday.

7 Comments

    Jill

    Keeping you in my thoughts…I’m glad to hear they’ve given you so much hope for a future pregnancy. Keep your chin up!!

    Janette

    Totally a jackwagon mistake and I’m just thankful you are on the path to finding out how to move forward safely and in a way that is healthy for baby and you. I have my fingers crossed that you find the answers you are looking for and no doubt you will be showcasing a baby bump before ya know it! xoxo

    hotpants™

    I’m glad you have a great doctor who listens to you and cares. PS – That damn Friends quote you used for this post makes me tear up every time I read it or hear it. That Chandler!

    MiMi

    I’m so glad you have a good dr who will be on top of you next time. It’s at least a great way to keep stress levels down, knowing you have help right there.
    I pray that you will get pregnant again soon, that it will go perfectly and that you can move forward but still continue honoring Roo…who will be in heaven waiting for you one day. You are a mom. You have a daughter. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.

    Nikky44

    You are doing the right thing. You decided to be happy and you will. Everyone is here to send you love whether you feel good or sad. Just be you <3

    Brittany

    I’m sure that was such a hard visit, but as you said it was positive too! It sounds like the doctor is really on your side. I hope when you are ready to get pregnant everything will go smoothly and it as worry free as possible. You and match deserve to have a beautiful family someday, and I just know you will have that.

    Emmy Mom

    Oh I want to kick that receptionist and first nurse! It was honest mistakes but still makes me mad.

    And what good news it sounds like from the Dr. You will have your family someday

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