Taking Off the Rose Colored Glasses

Lily: I could totally let you down. Has that thought not occurred to you?
Marshall: Not even for one second. Not having a baby would suck, but the idea of you letting me down, that’s impossible.-How I Met Your Mother

My good bloggy friend IA recently wrote a post about how so many of us bloggers need to remember to get real in our posts and to take off the rose colored glasses. You guys know that normally I tell it like it is on this blog, aka my diary. But lately I’ve definitely been guilty of having the rose colored glasses. Now don’t get me wrong: I’m unbelievably happy about the new house, and everything is going fine with me and Match.

But there has been something weighing on my mind for months now, and I haven’t come clean about it with you all. Now that we’re all settled in our home it’s become harder to avoid the subject too, especially among family. At our housewarming, when we’d give the tours of the house, all anyone would say was, “So when are you going to fill this house with BABIES?” It’s a harmless question, and perfectly natural to ask two happily married people who just moved into a 4 bedroom house.

But it’s not such a harmless question to two people who have wanted little else for the past few months. Make that a whopping nine months. It was 9  months ago that on the ride home from Easter Sunday with the in-laws that Match jokingly said, “I wanna put a baby in you.” To which I laughed, oh yeah, and what if I said yes? To which he said, “No really, I’m dead serious.” That’s when we sat down and talked about starting our family.

We were so naive. We were that couple that thought it would be a first time’s a charm type of thing. I hated (still do) the word “Trying” when talking about pregnancy. I hate the idea of having to work towards something that should be so natural and easy. At first I lied to myself and said it was fine. That even though I’ve been off the pill since ’09 and Match and I have been less than careful well before “trying” that it didn’t mean anything. That we needed for Match to graduate from academy, and we still had so much to do. But then each month after that would go by and the ache in my chest would get a little bigger. I have always been a swallow my emotions and tough it up kind of person. Then we started house hunting and I focused all of my energy on that instead. Then we kept getting outbid on every house we put an offer on. Once again it felt like we were constantly getting our hopes up, only to be disappointed in the end.

It doesn’t help that everywhere I look it seems like someone else is announcing a pregnancy. I think we’re just getting to that age in our lives where it’s the natural progression. The holidays don’t help. Everywhere I go I’m reminded of children.

I will never forget the day Match broke down in tears of frustration one particularly rough evening, after yet another no came from the Realtor, and another month of “symptoms” from me turned out to all be in our my head. “I can’t give you a house, I can’t give you a baby. I feel like a failure.” I think I died a little inside that day.

But now we’re halfway there. We finally got the house. We’ve settled in, and we’re ready. We’ve even picked out the room for baby.

The rocking chair is in place; all the baby books we’ve collected over the years to read to our little one are under the window seat. I have a hard time going into that room because it’s too painful for me.

If you’re reading this and you have advice, I ask you to read the following article from thebump.com before giving it, especially if you’ve never struggled with trying to get pregnant. I have been guilty of saying many things on this list, and now that I’m in their shoes, I can’t tell you how much I wish I could take back what I’ve said.

I’m not writing this to get sympathy comments. I know so many people out there have had far harder and longer infertility struggles. But I’m just putting it out there because I need to get this off my chest. I need to be able to look back on this blog and read this to my future children. To show them just how much they were wanted. How their mommy and daddy would give anything to have their laughter fill up our home.

 

11 Comments

    Jessica

    I’m so sorry you’ve had a lot of emotional rollercoaster times- my eyes teared up just imaging what you’re going through.
    I don’t have any advice to offer, and I’m not yet in the same place as you, so I won’t pretend I am. But I will keep you in my thoughts. I know that someday this tough period will all be a distant memory for you!

    phoebe

    hugs from the ec!!!

    i just read the list and i’m guilty of saying a few of those things too…

    thank you for sharing this with us. i’m sure that was a toughy to do and i’m (as i’m sure your other readers are) super appreciative of it.

    Kristy @PampersandPinot

    It really is a very emotional ride. Frustrating. You never know when it can happen and then you get worried. I understand. I hope you can have peace and fun through the holidays and hopefully writing this was a bit cathartic for you!

    Meghan Furst

    Hugs & kisses from all of us. We feel your pain. I read “the bump” & how hurtful people can be. How awful of them.

    Trust me – I finally had kids & I would do ANYTHING to make sure that I was able to have them. Whether that meant standing on my head for twelve hours a day or whatever it took. Or however long it took.

    We didn’t have kids for five years after our marriage & people were constantly barraging us about it. They need to shut the **** up & people be.

    Janette

    okay, i had to go check the bump.com’s list of what not to say, just to be sure I didn’t use any of them. People do say the worst things at the most inopportune times and I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. You are not alone so that’s good and now that you’ve written about it, you will probably find you have a lot of support and other gals going through it too. None of my buiz, but curious if you’ve heard of Cycle Beads? Google it. I sat down with my dr. and she told me if you have tried for a year and are unsuccessful, lets talk about clomid– not all want to try that option, but I was willing to do anything! I wish you and Match lots of luck and know you’re going to be awesome parents!!

    Charlotte

    Oh, GOD! I am SO SORRY about the last comment I wrote–I just didn’t you were at that stage where you were thinking of expanding. REWIND!

    Girl, I’m sorry. Your hubby’s words to you just about broke my heart so I can only imagine what it did to yours. I know you will make great parents… and I hope you don’t get too discouraged in the process, hun. Best wishes always and thinking of you. XOXO

    MiMi

    Oh girl. You aren’t going to want to hear this because I’m sure you have heard it, but this isn’t the time to worry yet. I think you have to be unsuccessful for over a year before they consider anything.
    That being said, when you decide to start a family you want to do it NOW. So I know how you must feel that it’s not happening yet. 🙁
    It took my husband and I 7 months the first time…I don’t know why things happen in the timing of it…if that makes any sense at all…I pray for you that you get knocked up soon though!

    MiMi

    HOLY shiz. My first part of my comment is dangerously close to “Don’t worry.”
    ACK. I don’t mean that!

    Impulsive Addict

    First of all, I’m SO SORRY for missing this post! I’m not sure how I missed it. I suck balls.

    Second of all, I’ve heard some of the things on that list several times but some of the other ones are just plain mean and I would punch a mother if it was said to me.

    Lastly, you know I know what you’re going through. I empathize completely. Stay strong and keep praying. Gods timing is perfect even though we don’t always agree at the time. Lots of hugs to you, Sweetie!! xoxo

    hotpants™

    It took me 14 months the first time and 6 the second. When I stopped thinking about it is when it happened for us. Every person/couple is different though. I wouldn’t panic yet. You guys have had a busy year. Career changes… new house… You both need to take a breath. Stress and crazy schedules certainly don’t help. In time, it’ll happen. 🙂

    Brittany E.

    I know you don’t want any sympathy but that really sucks. Surprisingly, I know as many people who are struggling to have a baby that are having babies.But I can’t imagine what you must feel everytime you hear of another person having a baby. Hang in there.

Your comments make my day!