We’re friends, Annie. Remember? We played Dungeons and Dragons together.— Neil
That was a game … THIS IS PAINTBALL.— Annie, Community
On Friday, the day before Token Gay Couple’s Wedding, Match decided he wanted to go paintballing. And I, being the most wonderful wife that I am, agreed to play with him. Big mistake. It was kind of fun at first, but the biggest problem was the place we went was really badly run. It was also indoors and I think the sport was just meant to be played outside.
We played against seasoned pros who were probably about 10-12. There was one random dude who was pushing 35 and I couldn’t help but judge him a little. Never mind that I’m pushing 28.
We suited up and I have to say I was looking quite intimidating.
I’m about the same height as the kids so I fit right in.
Match was much more intimidating in his get up. Plus he can shoot and actually has aim.
The paintball establishment we went to made us sit around and wait forever until we got to play. I think part of this is tactics since they make you pay for an hour, including the wait time. Luckily for me and hour was plenty.
We got in, and the object was to shoot at people on the other side of the room. Now if you got hit, you were to wave your gun in the air so people knew you were out and run to the side of the field behind the nets. There were also rules posted everywhere about not swearing.
I thought that rule was easy enough to follow. Until I got hit. That shit HURTS! So I’m hopping up and down as I got smacked in the shoulder with what felt like an actual bullet and I’m saying every pg version of a swear word I can think of, while waving my gun wildly in the air, when a second white hot paintball bullet of death comes barreling at me and hits me in the shoulder in the EXACT SAME SPOT. “Sonofajesusmaryandjosephgoshdarnitmotherofpearlmothertrucker” is pretty much what I yelled as I ran across the field. Ok maybe I actually said, “I’m out you little fucker!” But I meant to make it pg. After that I was completely over it, but I decided to be a trooper and played one more round where I was promptly shot above my temple. I was grateful for the mask but I didn’t trust its ability to protect me and I officially quit.
Here’s me right after, and you can’t really see anything.
Match told me to quit whining and that it didn’t look that bad. He even showed me that he had been shot in the arm, but his never bruised like mine did.
I may try to play again but I definitely want to be outside and I definitely want more layers and padding.
After my brush with death, I mean paintball, we had dinner with the in-laws and had some well deserved food. We went to a Puerto Rican restaurant where the food was to die for.
Seriously it was so delicious. Afterwards we taught Match’s parents how to play shuffleboard at the bar down the street, where we’d played on our wedding night.