- Spanky: Want to spin a bottle and kiss whoever it lands on?
- Captain Hero: Not right now. I’m depressed.
- Spanky: How about now?
- Captain Hero: Yeah, all right. –Drawn Together
Skipping ahead a couple of entries to some more exciting stuff. The last few entries I was just mooney eyed over Metal Head. Here is where I start getting dramatic. Did I mention I used to get really depressed when I was younger? It’s strange to look back and read about that person I used to be, because I feel so far from that young, sad girl. I can really appreciate my life and what it is now, remembering the hard times I went through then.Â
*I am myself again. I was sucked into the realm of depression and despair, but I feel like I am so much more because of it. Whole, complete, content.*
This last week has been pretty much chaos. Here goes, from the top, the short-long story. The week was bad because MH was acting strange. I blamed myself, only to realize it was not me, but his own family as well as inner conflict. So there I am, beating myself up over this all week long, worried. Saturday rolls around and I get a call from Metal, wanting to hang. Now the night before I didn’t sleep I was racked with nightmares and bad thoughts of myself and MH. This invitation to hang out with Metal and our friend Coby (close friend, very good guy, we lost touch, but he was a total sweetheart,Â albeitÂ a bit of a bad influence, him and MH introduced me to pot and drinking), was gladly accepted but I was still in my insecure mood, due to that week’s events and that fact that when I’m depressed I get insecure. Soo…we three went to get high. Bad idea. Never screw with drugs while depressed. I should have known this. At first, I was fine, but then I started trippin. I got incredibly high and I had a bad trip. I freaked out on MH and I got all mad and sad at once. I kept blanking out, and all I could remember was all my pent up insecurities come out and I was out of it. This is the reason I don’t smoke pot anymore. To each their own for those who do, but I never handled it well, and it did nothing but cause me to be sad and depressed.
Metal felt terrible I know, but he was also in his mood. If Coby hadn’t been there, I’m not sure what would have happened. Coby took me to his house. We watched a movie and talked. He reassured me of MH’s still liking me and we just bonded. I think that’s the good thing that came from that night. Next day MH called to make sure I was ok. He apologized for the way he’d acted all week, I apologized for wigging. Now today, it’s strange. All the insecurity, it’s like I just had to get it out of my system, because I feel liberated. My depression is gone. My thrill for life is back, MH and I spent quality time together today. He’s back too, all smiles again. My thrill for life? Gosh isn’t it so sad how our moods are directly affected by our guys. I think that’s something I still struggle with as an adult. Oh and don’t you just love my slang? Trippin’, wiggin’. I was so gangsta. 😉 Then he went and did the guy thing and I hung out with my gals. It feels good to be me again. And my appetite is back. I don’t eat when I get depressed and now I’m eating! This is something I’ve struggled with for a long time. I can definitely say I’ve kicked this bad habit, and now even have extra baggage. I know so many girls who struggle with anorexia. It’s a very scary disease that I hope my future daugther never experiences. Anyway, I leave for Dad’s on Weds, I’m excited about going. This was when I still had hopes that my father and I would connect on some level. Metal is coming over tomorrow to “watch me pack” as he said. That was adorable I thought. I’m going to miss him while I’m at Dad’s but we need the alone time. Relationships can be so strange. But I’m having a great time with Metal. That’s what it should be about too, just having fun. It should be, but we all know that teen love is full of drama and teen angst. I’m so glad my teen years are behind me!