We enter the world alone and we leave it alone. And everything that happens in between, we owe it to our self to find a little company. We need help. We need support. Otherwise weâ€™re in it by our self. Strangers, cut off from each other and we forget just how connect we all are. So instead we choose love. We choose life and for a moment we feel just a little bit less alone. –Grey’s Anatomy
Match and I had our first really hard discussion as an engaged couple this past week. You remember I told you Match got a new job right before our trip to Oregon? Well, they told him he had to get his gaming license to become a security guard/emt at the casino he was hired at. That meant an extensive background check. They said it would be about 3 weeks to complete, and here it is well over 3 weeks and still no start date. Match has become really anxious being stuck at home all the time, and more and more depressed and worried about money.
I’ve tried to tell him it doesn’t matter and that I can support us for the time being but it bothers him that he can’t contribute. Of course stress over the wedding budget isn’t helping anything. But Match insisted he still wants to get married this year, and that me and the wedding are the only things he’s really got going for him right now. He’s been really depressed and not at all himself. It breaks my heart to know that he’s feeling so down, and I wish I could help him. He’s still searching for jobs because he’s starting to get fed up with this gaming license stuff.
When I got home from work early last week, Match was all excited. He had been doing some research and was looking into the Coast Guard. My stomach dropped and I immediately started to panic. Don’t get me wrong: I think people that serve our country are admirable, I really do. But I have some very strong beliefs about military life in general, especially where it concerns family. I’ve been down this road before with Coast Guard Guy and I saw what military life did to Coast Sister, how it changed her, and in my opinion, not for the better. When I said yes to Match’s proposal, I had no idea this was even an option for us.
Thus began one of the hardest talks we’ve ever had. We talked about the implications, and what it would mean for life as we know it together. It would mean time apart, moving away from our friends and family, and I think what bothers me the most, the unknown. As the Virgo OCD organizer that I am, the idea of not knowing where I’ll be living in the next year bugs the hell out of me. The idea that my husband may or may not be around for extended periods of time, not being there to tuck in our future children really freaks me out. So we talked. And we talked. Then we talked some more.
Ultimately we decided that IF he does decide to pursue this life, the officer candidate school is the only route I really feel comfortable with. There’s a higher chance that he’d be home more, and he’d be putting that hard earned bachelor’s degree to good use.
We also agreed that we would try other options before the military, and that would really be our last resort. I told him I want to be behind him 100%, and right now I feel like he’s only reaching for the Coast Guard because he feels like it’s his only option. If we make a big decision like this, I don’t want it done out of desperation, but because it’s a lifestyle we want. I also agreed that a move out of California after the wedding is the right choice. I know Match wants a change, and he’s never lived anywhere but California. I am open to a new adventure, but I want it to be one that WE decide, not the powers that be.
I know there may be military spouses out there that might be offended by what I wrote, and I hope not. I’m not saying I couldn’t be happy in that lifestyle. I’m just saying it’s not what I envious for our future. I’ve always known that Match wanted to do some sort of public service job, firefighter, police, emt, and I love that about him. I know that means there will be times when I’m left alone and we’re apart, but they aren’t as extensive as they could be in the military. And if he gets a civilian public servant job, I can still pursue a career, because we’ll have a home, and roots.Â Asking me to give up my life in exchange for his career, without the ability to establish one of my own, without having family and loved ones to lean on when he’s gone…it’s a hard pill to swallow. It’s certainly not one I want to take without a lot of thought.
So we’ll take proactiv reviews of our options. We’ll stay put through the rest of this year and plan the wedding, and we’ll research the life of a Coastie family versus the life of civilians. Then we’ll discuss our options and see where life has led us in this year. I’m hoping it will lead to a job that Match loves, one that allows him to come home every night. Maybe one that leads us to a new state and new adventures, but ultimately, one where we are together, connected. For better or worse.