Some people believe that without history, our lives amount to nothing. At some point we all have to choose: do we fall back on what we know, or do we step forward to something new? It’s hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us… what guides us. Our history resurfaces time after time after time. So we have to remember sometimes the most important history is the history weâ€™re making today. –Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy
Last night Birthday Twin and I hung out, just the two of us, for the first time in over a year. For those of you who don’t remember or know the story ofÂ BT, here is some background.
Birthday Twin cuddling with Monkey and me, two summers ago
Match and I moved recently, to the same town that Birthday Twin lives in. We’ve been talking about meeting up for a drink for weeks now, and last night we finally both had some free time. I met up with Birthday Twin atÂ his house and walked downtown to one of the local bars. As soon as I got to his house it was like no time had passed. We were just as comfortable as we’ve always been. Just two old friends hanging out together, and just like that, I was in my past.
We decided to walk downtown and just caught up. We walked through the park and ended up talking for hours. Just like he used to, he opened up to me about his anxiety and all of the issues he’s still dealing with. Instead of me being the girl he couldn’t commit to, he talked about others who have taken that roll. The girls who wait for him to call, but he can’t because he’s having a panic attack.
While we were talking in the park, I couldn’t help but feel so lucky to be where I am. BT is a great guy, but he still has so many issues. He appreciates me as a friend, but he never truly recognized and appreciated me for me. Match knew what he had the minute he met me. As BT and I talked, I opened up about my relationship with Match, and told him that he’s my best friend, and I’m not afraid to tell him anything. That it is a commitment, but its not work. If I’m anxious or scared, he’s the first person I run to.Â BT said that’s what he wants, and I know he’ll get there someday. I could tell he was envious, but not jealous. He knows we’re meant to be friends, and that his own Match is out there somewhere, and that it’s not me.
He asked me how I’ve learned to deal with my own anxiety and stress, and what I do to clear my own head. I actually told him about my blog, without giving away the address. I would never give up my privacy! But I confessed that for me, writing in this online journal is the most healing thing I’ve ever done. It’s so much more than a hobby. I’ve made friends here, and received some great advice. I’ve learned a lot about who I am, and I have a venue where I can completely let go, without fear of hurting anyone’s feelings. This is my diary, my world, and it is the best therapy I’ve ever had. Birthday Twin was pretty amazed, and thought it sounded like a really fun idea, especially the anonymous part. He tried to get me to tell him the name of the blog, but I wouldn’t budge! He got a kick out of the fact that I’ve written about him, and said, “Gosh they must think I’m nuts!” And I said no, a lot of my readers love you, even if you were crazy enough to let me go! 😉 We both cracked up at that.
After our heart to heart, we both decided it’d be nice to get a beer. We walked down the street to a local bar, and ended up playing a game of darts, and people watching. We were both amazed by how young everyone looked. I laughed and said, “We’re OLD Birthday Twin!!” The only awkward moment came when BT looked at me while we were playing darts and said, “I really do like your new hair. It’s really sexy.” I just changed the subject and we kind of laughed it off. At one point when we were getting beers, a couple of girls started talking to him, so I did my best wing man and hung back. It was fun to be out with him, and feel so comfortable.
On the walk home BT said he’s really glad we moved closer, and he hopes that we can hang out more, with Match too. He said he’d like to have Match over to watch football or just hang out. I went home and texted Match, wishing he were in bed with me instead of at the station. I fell asleep with a smile on my face, happy that I have such an understanding boyfriend, who knows that even though Birthday Twin and I have history, Match is my today and my future. I fell asleep happy knowing I’d be seeing him the next day, and excited to tell him about my night out with my past.