Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you canâ€™t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. And as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who donâ€™t know what they want. -Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy
Is it just me? Or are men afraid to grow up? What is so scary about going to the next level? Buying a house, getting married, having babies? These things are all exciting to me, and I can’t wait to experience them. I also don’t think having those things means I can’t have fun. Just because we have responsibilities when we age doesn’t mean we can’t still have a good time. Yeah…tell that to Match.
Match has been sick at home with a cold since the weekend. When he gets sick, like most men, he becomes a huge baby. He just sleeps all day and gets sad, and becomes a completely different person than the man I fell in love with. I have learned to give him space and let him come back to me when he feels better. I thought he was starting to last night, so I suggested we take Monkey on a walk. From start to finish of the walk, Match was a grump. He complained about everything, and truth be told wasn’t that pleasant to be around.
When we got back, he started to snap out of it, and we spent some time talking and giggling in bed. Then out of the blue, as I was just trying to put the moves on him, he says, “We’re growing up too fast. I feel like all we do is work and we never get to go anywhere. I’m depressed with life in general lately.” I was floored. First of all, we’re going away on vacation on Thursday, to visit my family in Oregon. I’ve been really looking forward to introducing him to my mom’s side of the family. He’ll also finally get to meet my brother, and I know they’ll get along great. Second, we’ve been doing nothing but fun stuff lately, last weekend not included, since he was sick. I asked him what he meant, and reminded him of all the time we’ve been spending with friends and being social.
He then launched into this harebrained idea about running off to New Zealand together and leaving everything for awhile. I told him I have responsibilities, and I wouldn’t want to run away for three weeks, as nice as that sounds. I have a career, and I can’t just flit away from it.
I then started to cry because to me it sounded like he was saying he’s not happy with our life together. Mind you, I’ve only cried because of Match once in the almost year we’ve been together. It felt like my heart was breaking, and in the back of my mind I watched all the dreams I’ve had for our future begin to crumble. Basically what he was saying is that he doesn’t like responsibility and growing up.
He started apologizing and he said he didn’t mean us. He said he couldn’t ask for a better girlfriend and that he’s really happy with our relationship. He said he’s just unhappy with his career path, and with the fact that it seems like all we do is work. I told him that’s life, and he better get used to it. I told him I couldn’t understand how one minute he’s telling me he wants to buy a house with me, and the next he wants to go to New Zealand for a month? I don’t get where he’s coming from, and I feel a million miles away from him. I told him his words were breaking my heart, because they tell me he’s not ready for the things I am. I told him that it’s fine to put the house hunting on hold, and that we can stay where we are. I said that I wasn’t the one pressuring him in any way, and that his comments felt like I was. He said he wants to buy a house with me, and he’s really happy with me, and that I should forget what he said. He said he loves me and wants to be with me, but I feel like I can’t trust him.
I wish there was something out there in this world like key man insurance that gave us girls a guarantee that our men won’t go back on their word, and that we can believe what they say. Because at this point, I don’t know what to believe anymore. I know that Match loves me, and I’m confident that he means it. But whether he’s ready to go to the next step, I’m not as sure as I used to be.