When you’re little, night time is scary because there are monsters under the bed. When you get older the monsters are different. Self doubt, lonliness, regret. And though you may be older and wiser, you still find yourself scared of the dark. -Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy
This week for the first time since the beginning of my relationship with Match, I had some feelings of doubt. Not doubt about how I felt about him, but a minor lapse in confidence. It all started with an IM chat I had with Miss PHD on Monday. For those of you who have been reading since I started this blog, Miss PHD is a chic I’ve been friends with since grade school. She is also the girl that convinced me to join Match.com where I met my Match. She met her match on the site too, and she’s been unbelievably happy, until now. She has been home in Oregon for the past month visiting friends, and has been separated from her boyfriend. He’s been going out every night to clubs, and partying it up. She knows he’s not doing anything bad, but that didn’t stop the feelings of insecurity. She said she hates to feel the way she does, but she can’t seem to help it. I gave her a pep talk, and I think it worked for the most part. I told her it was important to keep busy and keep her mind occupied instead of making herself sick with worry. I told her that she has to be confident in herself or she won’t be able to have a successful relationship. For some reason I didn’t follow my own advice.
I just kept thinking about her conversation with me, and I started feeling more and more insecure about Match. I tried to shake it, but it was that feeling of impending doom and I just couldn’t let it go.
That night Match and I had a really fun evening. We started out by going to this really cool lake near our house to work out. The place has an agility course along the walk around the lake, so we worked our abs and arms, and got some cardio in too. It was really cold outside, and we got to watch the sunset as we walked. It was so beautiful! It was a great evening, but for some reason I was still kind of down.
We got home and Match said he had to get on his old computer that he hadn’t touched in six months. He wanted his music off of it, and he wanted to delete old pics of exes. He insisted that I don’t look, and of course I did. It was morbid curiosity, but I just had to see what his ex of 2 1/2 years looked like. I felt a lot better after seeing her pictures-she isn’t that attractive at all. Still, I couldn’t shake the sad feeling again, even though there he was, deleting pictures, and obviously over her. We went to bed, and I put some of my insecurity into words. I said I just hoped that one day he wouldn’t be on his computer deleting ME. He was his typical honest self and instead of saying of course not, said, “I sure hope not.” Normally that would have made me laugh, but that night it made me even more sad. I know he didn’t mean it like it came out, but I was being oversensitive. Still, we went to bed all snuggled up and I slept great.
Then yesterday all day all I could think about was giving him space. He hasn’t asked for it, but I felt like he wanted it for some reason. I was worrying about how I always dream out loud with him about buying a house, even going so far as to talk about home insurance , things like that. I was just stressed that I was pushing him, and that one day he’d just freak out and say enough, go away, this is crazy.
Don’t ask me where all this self doubt was blooming from, but I didn’t like it one bit. It’s not who I am, and it’s certainly not the girl that Match fell in love with.
Last night Match and I went out to meet two of his friends that he grew up with, two girls. They were great! Absolutely sweet and nice to me, and very accepting. I just was not in a good place that night, and I knew Match noticed it. I was exhausted, and there we were out when I should have been in bed. Still, I put on a good face, and smiled and laughed in all the right places. I know the girls liked me, because they texted Match that they did.
I felt so guilty for being less than myself the whole way home that I snapped at Match. He asked me what was wrong and I tried explain but I couldn’t put it into words.
Then today, finally, over IM we talked about it, and I pinpointed what it was. I’ve been overthinking everythign with my relationship, when the real issue is that I miss friends. I lost Reality Check as one of my best friends. If I had moments of insecurity and “girliness” she is who I would have talked to, but she’s not around anymore. I have never really grieved the loss of our friendship, and I think it has hit me this week. That combined with the issues with Brazil and I felt like a failure at friendship. I guess subconsciously I assumed I was going to fail at my relationship too.
Match told me to stop breaking my own heart, and to get back out there and do things with friends. He said I’m looking for problems where there are none, and focusing on our relationship when I should be focusing on my friends.
I feel so much better having talked it out with Match, and it’s one of the reasons I love him so much. I’m going to see if Match Sister wants to go out to Karaoke with me tomorrow night instead of sitting at home alone waiting for Match to get out of class. I’ve been craving friend time, and it’s about time I went out and did something about it.