A Rift Between Us

Liz: I don’t want to do this stuff but I have to because you’re so insecure you get jealous of babies for their soft skin!
Jenna: And how much attention they get. –30 Rock

This week has been pretty uneventful for Match and I. I’ve been spending the last few days recovering from my run, and now I can finally walk normally, yay! Friday we are going to try to sit down and carve pumpkins, one of my favorite parts of Halloween. I tried on my Alice costume and it fits pretty well. It’s even pretty accurate to the movie-all I need are some blue contact lenses to hide my green eyes and I’m Alice! Ok, I won’t go that extreme, but it’d be cool. I always thought it’d be fun to have contacts, but my fear of touching my eyeballs has always prevented me from them.

Match’s fire academy has been the main topic of discussion in our house lately. It’s definitely a competitive field and he has to jump through so many hoops to get anywhere. I hate to see all the stress he goes through trying to get a volunteer or part time position, and I try to encourage him as best I can. What amazes me the most about him is how even though he’s so busy, he still makes time for me. If I were working 7 days a week with no time off, I’m not sure I would be half as sweet as he’s been to me. He does his best to make things fun, even trips to the grocery store, or making dinner together when he’s not in class.

On the nights that he’s gone, I get time for myself, which is nice, but it can get old fast. Lately it’s just allowed me more time to focus on the deteriorating state of my friendship with Reality Check. When we talk it’s like you can actually see the rift between us, and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m almost to the point where I don’t want to fix it, and that makes me sad. I don’t have a lot of close girlfriends-I was always one of the guys. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to truly value what female friendships bring to my life. Unfortunately, my closest girlfriends live far away, and while I do have Brazil, she’s a busy woman about to have a baby.

I’ve realized there are these four distinct categories when it comes to relationships. There are the single girls-the ones who are out there actively searching, or dating casually but definitely not ready to settle down. Then there are the relationship girls-the ones who are happy in their relationship, and just waiting for the next step. Then there are the married girls-happily settling into the new phase of their life. Last, there are the married with children women-these friends are great, but usually extremely busy. So I’ve found that I have friends in each category except for the one I’m in, relationship. Reality Check is in the single phase, and so we’re having a really hard time relating to one another. And I have a couple of great friends in Married category, but it’s almost like an exclusive club I haven’t joined yet. It’s like our married friends will go get us drinks from the VIP section, but we can’t sit where they’re sitting. Then the married with kids friends-I love these friends, especially Mama Drama. But they are so busy, and even though they listen to my stories of what’s going on in my world, let’s face it, they have children to take care of, and much bigger worries than my non married, pretty much carefree life.

I was reading through Josie’s blog earlier today, and she pointed out that it’s National Girlfriend Week. I think this made me really start to think about Reality Check and the fact that even though she’s the closest to me geographically, in the category department we couldn’t be further apart. And while a lot of friendships can jump that category hurdle, we just can’t seem to get past it. My friend Brazil has been married the entire time I’ve known her, but I’ve never felt a rift between us. And Personality Twin is single and carefree, but we still have great talks, when we get a chance to do so. I think the difference between Reality Check and Personality Twin is how they have dealt with my new category as relationship girl instead of single girl. PT has embraced me as I am, and listens with excitement over what’s going on in my life. She has also accepted that we can’t be as close as we were, because we have very different needs now. I think Reality Check needs her own dose of Reality because she doesn’t seem to see it that way. She still demands that I go out when I’ve told her I’m broke. She insists on doing things without Match, and she seems to hate it when I even so much as mention how the two of us are doing. I think a lot of it is jealousy, but it still makes me sad. I hate that we can’t be as close as we once were. But as I grow and develop into this new category, I’m seeing who my true friends are. There are the ones who embrace you when you change, and there are the ones left lamenting your new status.

6 Comments

    Jen

    Yes! You’re true friends will always be happy for you. Sad to say, but you should forget about the ones who aren’t.

    Coast Sister

    I was reading this and it totally made me think of what this guy said to my hubby and I once. (We’re officially in the “Married” club….w/o kids..ha) We were all talking about going out and doing something and I mentioned inviting another ‘Married w/o kids couple’ and he said,”No, we can’t invite them because they’re actually married.”
    And I was like…,”Okay, so the fact that my husband and I go out with all you guys means that we’re not ‘actually’ married.” And he just stared at me and finally said,” No, I just mean that it’s like we’re all just friends when we go out…but when we go with them it’s like we’re friends there with a married couple.”

    Sorry for rambling….I’m just saying that there are exceptions for every rule. I was offended at first by him saying that statement….but after thinking on it, I don’t mind. I’m glad that we’re able to be married without giving up what makes us individuals to our friends.

    And Date Girl I’m VERY happy for you and Match. I hope to give you support and comfort. If ever there is a time when I’m not giving my 50% in our friendship than you totally need to call me on it. I grant you permission.

    Much love.

    OH…AND our Friend-iversary is right around the corner. 🙂

    Mama Drama

    I second what Coast Sister said! I hope I’m there for you when you need me, and please don’t ever feel like I’m too busy to listen. And thank you for listening to all my BS lately too!

    And speaking of Friendiversaries, I think we have one coming up too! 🙂 Love ya chica!

    Jawahir(JJ)

    nice blog btw … and in the last post where u are not up to fiing thing i know what it feels like am going through a similerpatch with my friend at the moment and havefigure out who r my friendsand it hurts but wat to do … btw wrote about the same in my blg …
    u being happy is what counts

    Jawahir(JJ)

    ps. sorry bout the spelling and the txt have got these new nails on and still not used to typing wif them 🙂

    Heather Leigh

    I know how those friend categories go. Sometimes I feel I have to be careful about how and when to bring up my relationship, and other times it was hard to relate to my coupled up friends. What I find now is that I’ve become distanced (though not necessarily intentionally) from my married friends, as my views on marriage differe so much from, well, marriage. I’m liking your blog! 🙂

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