- Addison: You know there was a time when you thought of me as your best friendâ€”
- Derek: There was a time that I thought you were the love of my life. Things change. –Grey’s Anatomy
We’re almost done with the horrid trip down memory lane and the parade of losers from my past. This entry is hard, because it lasted for so long. It’s hard to take 4 years of my life and condense it into one entry, but I’m going to try.
This is the story of my former best friend. We met when I transferred my Junior year of college, and he was one of my first friends at the new school. We had a lot of the same classes, because of our Biology major, and we started studying together and going to lunch. I was going through a hard time with my live in boyfriend at the time (I’ll save him for another story) and Best Friend was there for me. We quickly became inseparable and we were a sight to see walking to class together. He was 6’3 and I am the towering height of 5 feet, so it was kind of funny. People used to smile when we’d walk by because he’d have to hunch down to hear what I was saying.
When I got dumped by my live in boyfriend, my world was shattered. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had no where to live, and the ex took my dog. I was heartbroken twice over, and a complete mess. The only thing that kept me from falling apart was Best Friend. He was back home in San Diego, 10 hours away, but we talked every night, and sometimes throughout the day. He always made me laugh, and he’d flirt with me and make me feel better about myself, because I was feeling pretty low.
Somewhere along these long conversations we decided we should try being friends with benefits when he came back for the school year. I remember saying I thought it was a horrible idea, and that it would only end in heartbreak, and the loss of a great friendship. By this time, we’d known each other a year, and we had all our classes synced together. I’d have to look at him every day, and I said what happens if it doesn’t work? I had lost all faith in relationships, and didn’t believe that love truly existed. Still, he wore me down, and it was decided that we’d give this benefits thing a try.
BF called me “brutally independent” when we first started hooking up, because I wouldn’t even stay at his house all night. I would get up in the middle of the night and go home. I couldn’t stand the thought of sleeping next to someone and getting used to that feeling, only to have it ripped away again. Finally one night he pleaded with me to stay, so I did. I tried and tried to fight what I was feeling for him, but I was hooked. Everything seemed to be going along great, better than I could imagine. We’d play video games, pal around, rough house, and then have sex. It was the best of both worlds! I had this great friend, who I was extremely comfortable around, who knew all my secrets, and who accepted me just the way I was. I trusted him completely, and I never ever thought he would hurt me.
Then along came my nemesis. She was a girl in our biology classes, a wretched, spoiled brat, know it all in desperate need of laser acne treatments . She was also a huge know it all, to the point that BF used to call her Hermione from Harry Potter. She was this conniving, evil girl who even went so far as copying the way I dressed, the way I talked, and she made friends with all of my friends. BF used to say that the fact that she copied me was a huge form of flattery, but I knew she wanted to replace me. Then she started to flirt with BF and that’s when she went too far.
What came next, I wish I could say I wasn’t proud of, but I am. 🙂 I got nicknamed the Littlest Amazon for it. A bunch of my buddies and I decided to play mud football, and Nemesis showed up. Now, back then, I liked being the only girl with a group of guys. I loved being one of the guys and I hated it when any other girl tried to steal the limelight. BF used to say it was because I was a major Alpha Female and you just can’t have two alphas. Well, Nemesis was an alpha, but she didn’t know me and sports. She was flirting with BF, and I was fuming. I made a great tackle when she was about to catch the ball and score a touchdown, and my elbow may have slipped and made contact with her nose. May have. 😉 It also may have given her a bloody nose, oops. Sadly, my immature antics didn’t work because BF spent the rest of the game comforting her, and she just smirked at me and that was the beginning of the end.
I knew I had no claim to Best Friend, we were just friends with benefits, and nothing more. But I also knew I had really strong feelings for him, and I thought he had the same for me. Still, Nemesis started coming around more and more, and I couldn’t stand it. I knew he liked her back, and I was on the defense, so I broke it off before he could hurt me further.
I ended up dating a guy who was just a huge rebound. The poor thing was a pawn in the mind games that went on between BF and I. He started dating Nemesis, and he would parade her around in front of me. So of course I would parade Rebound around, and tell BF how happy he made me. BF and I still hung out all the time, and when he got tired of Nemesis and the tantrums (no joke, I witnessed them) she’d throw, he dumped her. I immediately kicked Rebound to the curb and BF and I were back together, two peas in a pod. It was sad for Rebound, and I regret what I did to him, it wasn’t fair.
So this went on for years, this back and forth nonsense with Best Friend. Whenever a new girl would come into our group of friends, he’d stop hooking up with me and actually date them. It hurt so much to see him with other girls, and to publically hold their hands, or kiss them, when he refused to do that with me. I finally confronted him about it, and his excuse was that things could easily end with a girlfriend, but I was his best friend. If he dated me, then he could lose me, and he didn’t want that. Truth be told, he just wanted to know I’d always be there, waiting in the wings. I was Sally, he was Harry, and I was the consolation prize. Our story didn’t end the way it does in that great movie, but me being the hopeless romantic, I kept wishing it would. In fact, I think I watched that movie with him multiple times, trying to give him the hint.
There isn’t enough room in this blog to write about all the times BF broke my heart, and all the times, like a fool, I’d take him back. I’d kick the habit that was my addiction to Best Friend, and then he’d weasel his way back in. Finally, I thought it was truly over when he took me to lunch and told me he was going to propose to his girlfriend. I was shocked-I guess I always thought we’d end up together, after his wild days. He was my “partner in crime”, and I thought in the end he’d really choose me. But he did propose to her, and they moved in together. Slowly we stopped communicating, and mutual friends would give me updates on how he was doing.
Then he had an awful breakup with his fiance, one that I think broke him completely. Of course he came back to me, after not speaking for almost 6 months. We started up our friendship again, and he even flew me down to see him in San Diego last October. That was the end of our friendship. I realized soon after I got there that it was just a glorified booty call, and that all Best Friend wanted from me was sex. I felt used, and I felt dirty. I ended up crying most of the weekend, and saying I just wanted to go home. He told me that he loved me, and that he always would, but that he could never give me what I wanted in life, ie, be married, have kids. I told him it was terrible how he would date all of these other girls, he even considered marrying one, but he wouldn’t even try to date me, never even give it the chance. I was just good ol’ dependable me, always there for a good lay.
I was disgusted with him, and even more disgusted with myself. I told him that he had to just leave me alone, because I couldn’t take all the rejection anymore. You know that stupid song by Limp Bizkit? “Sex has become all I know about you, memories of those filthy things that we do”. That is how I felt about Best Friend. Our beautiful friendship we had that first year we knew each other, that was all gone. I had known from the beginning that it would be. 4 years of repeated heartbreak just couldn’t salvage what we once had, and a part of me would always hate him.
About two months ago, he called me up and said he was in town, and asked if he could take me to lunch. I agreed, after talking to Match, and we met up. It was good to talk I guess, but the best part was being able to hold my head up high and tell him that this time, I really was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I could tell he was disappointed because whenever he came back into my life, boyfriend or no boyfriend, I would always tell BF how I felt. That I loved him, and that he was the one for me. But this time there was none of that. I realized our entire relationship and our friendship had been based on dysfunction. I was in a sad, dark place, and so was he, so we worked. And when I finally got my life together, and let myself be happy, I didn’t need him anymore. I had finally moved on, this time for good.