Practically all the relationships I know are based on a foundation of lies and mutually accepted delusion.-Samantha, Sex and the City
So Sunday for once I was the one to miss a call from Birthday Twin, instead of the other way around. He asked me to go hiking with him, but by the time I got the message it was evening. He came over and proceeded to pamper me. I think he reads my mind sometimes because I really wanted to see him. We snuggled up in bed and he gave me a back rub while I read out loud from a book to him. We were being ridiculously cute, I must admit. Then we laid down and rubbed each other’s back and just talked. I love how we lay and talk face to face. There’s something so intimate about it. It usually starts out with us talking about life, and then we inch closer and closer till our noses are touching, and then we kiss. I love how we sort of gravitate to each other.
He asked me if we should do anything, since we’d had that talk about not hooking up anymore. I told him I appreciated how he doesn’t pretend that we’re something we’re not. He doesn’t lead me on like that. We are what we are, and the song has never changed. It’s odd, our entire relationship is very strange, but I love it. I also know that he’s here for me as my friend, and if I said no, that would be ok too. But why should I deprive myself of a good time, especially with someone that doesn’t make me feel bad in the morning? So once again he rocked my world. We’re beginning to know each other and it makes the whole experience that much better. Afterwards he scooped me into his arms and held me close. I was kind of amped up so I asked him to tell me a story. He makes up these bed time stories and tells them to me so I’ll fall asleep. It has to be the single most wonderful thing he does. I fall asleep almost instantly and I sleep so well.
The week went by in kind of a blur. I got random texts from the Potential Guy but I could feel myself becoming more and more detached. After our conversation on Saturday nothing really changed. He didn’t do the big romantic gesture, and he didn’t try to make plans. He would just randomly text me about his day, his life, his world. He doesn’t ask much about me, or seem all that interested in getting to know me. He did invite me to the movies for Friday, so we made plans. Then he came over on Wednesday and we went running. It was then that I realized I’m no longer attracted to him. I don’t know if it’s the way he acts indifferent to me, or if it’s because I’ve gotten to know him. Something is turning me off, and there is no longer that electricity. There is nothing in my mind saying, “I wish he’d kiss me right now.” Nothing makes me want to stand closer to him. It’s just…gone.
So yesterday I told him I wasn’t interested. He didn’t seem to care that much, and neither did I. I was sad and disappointed in how everything panned out, but ultimately relieved. For knowing each other for such a short time, he sure was a lot of drama. Better to be done now and avoid a breakup than to drag it out.
Later that night I was curled up in bed with a great book, getting comfy and about to go to sleep. Then the phone rang and startled me out of my cozy cocoon. It was Birthday Twin and he asked if he could come over. I laughed and said he must be reading my mind again, because I’d just been wondering how he was, which was the truth. He came over shortly after, and this time I decided to change things up. I dug out my sexy little red nightgown from the back of my closet and put it on underneath my robe. He came over and we did our usual visiting and talking about our week. He was dealing with more anxiety but said he was starting to really come to grips with everything. I asked if he’d talked to his College Girl lately, and he said he hasn’t spent time with any girls. He said he doesn’t have time with the stress and everything in his life, and then I grinned and said it’s because he loves spending time with me. He grabbed me then, and said, “Of course, why do I need them when I can spend time with you?” That’s when he noticed the red peeking out from my robe. It was so cute, he was like a kid on Christmas, unwrapping a present. 🙂
The thing with Birthday Twin is so hard to explain. I adore him, and spending time with him means the world to me. Yet somehow my heart knows to stay cautious, and I have miraculously kept my distance. I haven’t fallen, and I think it’s because I know I can’t keep him. He doesn’t pretend, there is no false hope. I know I love him as my friend, and I know he’ll be around long after the bedroom stuff fades. I guess that’s where the comfort comes in. I know I am partially lying to myself, and we are both delusional to think we won’t get attached, but for now, I really love the delusion.