Nobody Likes to Lose Control

Nobody likes to lose control, but as a surgeon there’s nothing worse. It’s a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. Still there are times when it just gets away from you, when the world stops spinning, when you realize your shiny little scalpel isn’t gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. It’s scary as hell. Except there’s an upside to the free fall. It’s the chance you give your friends to catch you.-Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy

Last night was a mix between amazing and frustrating. I met up with Potential and we spent the afternoon/evening palling around. I helped him look for a costume for a party he’s going to this weekend. I was half hoping for an invitation but it never came. He was going to a decade party so we went to a thrift store to search for the perfect outfit. We had fun joking around and laughing at the ridiculous clothes. It’s so comfortable to be with PG sometimes that I can forget all the other stuff. Well…almost.

PG and I both have a great love for food, and we went to this great little restaurant that serves small plates. We had all of these yummy appetizers, accompanied with delicious cocktails. I think the cocktails were a big mistake. We were playing a game that I call the questions game. It’s a silly game I made up where we ask each other any question, from the most random to serious, and the only catch is we both have to answer it. It’s a great way to get to know each other, and it’s fun. We were asking each other easy questions and laughing and then the alcohol went to my head. I asked him if the romantic part of our relationship was over. I wanted to take it back the minute I said it. He looked at me and gave me one of those knock you on your ass grins and said “No, I don’t think it is.” I didn’t really know what to say after that, but I think I just kind of blushed. Then we went for a walk downtown and we held hands and walked close. It really was one of those perfect dates. I wanted so badly for him to kiss me, even though I knew it was against the rules. He dropped me off at home, and walked me to my door. I waited expectantly for a kiss goodnight and instead he gave me a hug and turned to leave. I couldn’t help it, I blurted out, “Seriously?” He laughed and said goodnight, and he was gone.

I called him a few minutes later and apologized for my behavior. He said a great line then. He said, “Just because a person refuses the chocolate cake doesn’t mean he doesn’t really really want the cake. It just means he’s being disciplined.” He told me that he really wants to get to know me, because he really likes me. He said that he doesn’t want it to end badly, and he wants to be ready. He invited me to hang out on Saturday and go to the beach which should be fun. I know he’s right, I know this is the best. But last night I didn’t want what was best for me.

After I hung up with PG, Birthday Twin called. I was so frustrated I let him have it. I told him it was so annoying how flakey he was and asked why he couldn’t bother to return a text or call. He reminded me that we’d just talked on Monday, and said that he never got my text. He ended up calming me down as only he knows how to do. We talked about why I was frustrated and he pointed out that it wasn’t that I didn’t get my kiss. He said it was more that I didn’t get my way, and I wasn’t the one in control. He knows me too well, and I really hate him for that sometimes. He reminded me of how great I am, and he pointed out something else. He said, “you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.” He said right now I need to just be friends with PG. He then made plans with me to hang out this weekend, and he even brought up a road trip. Knowing BT he’ll flake out, but it would be so much fun if it happens. I like how BT gives me perspective, and how he helps me talk through things when I’m upset. He really is a good friend, and as long as I don’t expect more from him, I’m pleasantly surprised when I do.

When did all this dating stuff get to be so complicated? I am longing for the days when just holding a guys hand was the world. I wish I could have just let it go with a hug goodbye from PG. I think I still have a chance to save face. I really am lucky to have two great guys in my life that want to hang out with me. I’m keeping my eyes open to more possibilities, but for now I can just enjoy what I have. Because really it isn’t so bad. 😉

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