That’s what you do. When you feel sorry for yourself, you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate men. It’s okay. I find it charming.-Alex, Grey’s Anatomy
Yesterday I woke up with a throbbing headache, horrible taste in my mouth, and a head full of regrets. I groaned and looked over at the not so familiar face of The Mistake. Right as I was muttering to myself about what an idiot I am, my phone rang. It was Birthday Twin, and he was once again full of apologies. “Hey buddy, I’m so sorry. I lost my phone, I’m sorry we didn’t hang out on Saturday.” I blinked, hoping that The Mistake would somehow disappear but he was real, right down to his boxer shorts and six pack and his arm flopped over my bare chest. “Ughhh, good morning” I grumbled into the phone.
Ok, that was my version of a Quintin Tarantino blog. Let’s rewind to Saturday shall we? Birthday Twin and I had made plans via his drunk dial on Thursday. We were supposed to go to this hip new hang out where they have live music and dancing. If you’ll recall I was really looking forward to it. Well Saturday I didn’t hear from BT, so finally I called, and got voicemail. I went about my business, and by 10pm I was just bummed out. I really thought he wanted to hang out. Then I got a call from The Enabler, and I met up with him and The Mistake. We went out on the town, and had a fun night of drinking and bullshitting, the usual. All night The Mistake and I were flirting back and forth, our conversation full of innuendos. After last call we wandered back to the Enabler’s house and I resolved to sleep on the couch. By 4am the boys were still up talking and laughing, and by this time I was sober, having only had a few drinks. I decided to go home, and as a joke I asked The Mistake if he wanted to come along. He agreed, and then I hesitated. He left the room for a minute and I told The Enabler that I didn’t think I wanted to go through with it, that I should just stay his friend. Enabler shoved me and said I have too many guyfriends already and to go have a good time.
The whole drive home I felt weird, and I wasn’t sure if it was just the fact that I’d stayed up all night, but something was nagging at me. I knew what it was, and I brushed the feeling aside. I got home, and The Mistake and I went to bed. We proceeded to have the most awkward, horrible make out session of my life. It was at that point that I should have stopped everything. I should have said I was tired, I should have said go home. But for some reason I went through with it. I was trying to get Birthday Twin out of my head. I know it’s stupid, the idea of sleeping with someone else to get over someone, but I did it anyway. No surprise it was terrible. I mean bad. I still had a slight buzz but that didn’t help. I almost wish I had been really drunk so I couldn’t remember how bad it was.
Cut to that morning, and the phone call from BT. He told me he’d lost his phone and he was so sorry he flaked on me. We made plans to go to a movie that night and he’d make it up to me. The rest of the morning I tried to usher out The Mistake but he wouldn’t leave! He sat down and watched the beginning of a baseball game and I just stood there incredulous. Finally I said I was going to hop in the shower and start my day, so he finally left. We shared an awkward hug and he said we should hang out again soon. I agreed, but I knew if we did, it would be purely as friends, and only with The Enabler in tow.
Birthday Twin showed up to the house around 7 that night, and I was so glad to see him. I spent the day feeling so much remorse and literally sick to my stomach over what I’d done. We snuggled up on the couch for a minute and I told him it was good to see him. I think he could tell something was wrong but he didn’t push for answers. After the movie we came back to the house and I made us tea and we snuggled into my giant bean bag, our ritual when we hang out. I couldn’t keep it in any longer and I just let it spill. “I slept with The Mistake, and I shouldn’t have and it was horrible and I’m sorry!” I blurted out. I know I didn’t have to tell him, and I know we’re not an official couple. I told he because he knows The Mistake, and I knew it could come out eventually. I didn’t want him to hear it from someone else. He told me he was disappointed, and he said he couldn’t help but be jealous. When he saw my reaction that, and he saw that I had tears in my eyes he grabbed my hand and told me it was ok. He said he was more upset because I did something I didn’t want to do. He said he worried about my decisions, and he asked what made me do it. I told him it was because I was upset, and I didn’t like that I was starting to fall for him. I said I was trying to get past that feeling, and that if I could just have sex like a guy, then I’d be fine. I said I wasn’t normally this kind of girl, but I was trying desperately to make choices for myself, and to not get swept up in a guy that wasn’t right for me. I was sick of getting in dead end relationships, and I wanted to date around until I found someone that clicked. I told him how annoyed I was that we clicked, but I knew he didn’t want to date me and see where this thing could go. We talked a lot about so many things, and he said it wasn’t fair of him to be jealous, because he wasn’t offering me a relationship. He also said that he wasn’t one to sleep with more than one person at a time, and he hoped that I wouldn’t either. We made an agreement that night, to only be with each other, and to spend more time together. He said he knew he was bad boyfriend material, because he disappoints his girlfriends, and because he has all this anxiety and he’s just not good at it. I told him I wouldn’t sleep with anyone else unless we were through, but that I still plan on dating. I said I want to see what’s out there, and I eventually want an emotional connection with someone.
I know it may seem like a strange relationship, this thing I have with BT. In a way it is, because we’re not committed and we’re not an official couple. At the same time though, he is someone I can trust, and it’s safe and I don’t feel terrible the next day. I don’t wake up with all those regrets and feel dirty. I feel good because it’s a friend who I care about truly. I just wish that he would give us a try and see if it were possible to be a couple. I see his hesitation, and I am torn too. I don’t want to date him and have it end badly, and then lose a friend. I know eventually we will come to a cross roads where I will have to make a decision. Either just friends or boyfriend, but not in between. I’m still not ready to give up what we have though. Not quite yet.