When fantasy meets reality, you never know what you’re going to get. Sometimes the reality falls just a little short of the dream, and sometimes it exceeds all expectations. It takes courage to reveal your secret desires. Sharing them is a gamble that sometimes bring us closer together and sometimes pulls us apart. Maybe that old saying is true. “Be careful what you wish for. It just might come true.”-Marin, Men in Trees
On Tuesday I was feeling crummy all day. By Tuesday night I had a full blown sore throat, pounding headache and the body aches from hell. To top it off, I was cranky and having one of those really female moments where I was doubting everything about myself. I had made plans with Birthday Twin, and by 7:30 I had given up. I just knew he wasn’t coming over, and I settled myself to the disappointment that is leftover spaghetti. Right as the microwave went off the phone rang, and of course it was BT. He apologized yet again for flakiness, and headed right over.
He had this great idea that we’d cook dinner together, so we did. We had so much fun in the kitchen, cooking up a healthy meal and cracking jokes. I told him I was sick so he went into nurturing mode, ordering me to drink tea and go sit down. We snuggled up on the couch and and watched Along Came Polly. A great movie for two people who are overanxious worriers. We laughed at our shared neurosis. As we were watching, a subject came up about comparing people. He asked if I would get mad if I ever found a list comparing me to another girl. I told him of course I would, and then said, well what if you found a list comparing you to PG? He just looked at me and said, but I’m just your friend, why would you ever make a list of the two of us?
I think my face must have fallen, because he reached over and gave my arm a squeeze and kissed my forehead. We watched the rest of the movie, but my head was so full of thoughts, and I was trying desperately to swallow that pesky lump in my throat. After the movie we trotted off to bed, and I flopped down beside him dejected. I am really open with BT, and I made that night no exception. I told him that I am human, and that I couldn’t help that I’m starting to get attached to him. I told him that I wasn’t ready for a relationship, and I know that he isn’t either. I told him I just wanted to know that I was date-able, worthy, and that if he were ready, he would be with me. He responded in his usual sweet way. He said that with all his anxiety and issues he would be a terrible boyfriend. He said that I’m beautiful, sexy, smart, and I have my life together. He said that if he were ready, and if he hadn’t started things up with College Girl he would definitely date me. He said he loved our friendship, and he loved the benefits, but if it was too complicated, he could sleep on the couch. He told me that we have a great connection, and he doesn’t want our friendship to end because of drama. He said that if any time I’m not comfortable with it, he’s happy to just be friends only, no benefits. And the funny thing is, I know all of that is true with him. I have slept next to him and we just cuddled. He has been upfront with me from day one. Ironically I wished for exactly what we have. I said I just wanted to play, and that I was happy being single. I said that I wanted to date around and get to know guys and not settle just to be in a couple. I got what I wished for and more. I even got a friend.
So for now I am happy with the way things are with BT. I needed that validation; just knowing that I’m worth dating was enough. But I’m keeping my options open, and I refuse to lean heavily on Birthday Twin. He’s my pick me up. He’s there for me when I really need him, and I won’t abuse that power. I needed perspective, and I got it. From the Potential Guy, I was reminded of what it’s like to be treated right. To go out on nice dates, and to be wined and dined. From Birthday Twin, I get the comfy closeness.
That brings me to PG. He almost needs his own entry, but I’m not going to give him that. In fact, I’m not giving him anything more. He called me yesterday, and confessed he’s still talking to that married woman. Did I mention she was married? Did I mention he said he wasn’t going to talk to her anymore? I wasn’t feeling good at all yesterday. In fact I was home sick as a dog. PG called me on his lunch break and I just ripped him a new one. I was sick, I was tired, and incapable of bullshit. I told him straight up that I couldn’t be second best. I also told him I couldn’t be friends with someone who disrespects marriage like that. I just couldn’t believe he’d think any self respecting girl would continue to hang out with a guy who was having an emotional affair with a married woman. The woman is very much at fault too, but he’s catering to it. He’s continuing this ludicrous venture. I called PG repugnant and told him I never want to talk to him again. I thanked him for the nice dates, and said I was really disappointed in the way things turned out. I thanked him also for his honesty. Had he not said anything about this woman, we could have continued one for a long time, where I would have developed real feelings and probably had my heart broken. I would have stopped seeing BT, and I would have been exclusive with PG, only to realize in the end he’s a home wrecking idiot.
Some good things came out of dating the Potential Guy. He showed me a great time for a few dates. He also taught me how to stand up for myself, and to wait for what I really want, instead of being second best. I will take single any day over that kind of drama. Goodbye Potential to Break My Heart Guy. Have fun being the Potential to Break Up a Home Guy. Ugh.