There are certain things in life where you know it’s a mistake but you don’t really know it’s a mistake because the only way to know that it really is a mistake is to make that mistake and go, “Yup, that was a mistake”. So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you’ll go about your whole life not knowing whether it was a mistake or not.-Lily, How I Met Your Mother
Why does dating have to be this confusing? Why can’t I just meet a great guy, click, have great dates, amazing sex, and have that be it? Why do other super complicated things have to get involved? I was feeling very low on Thursday, and I needed a friend. I called Birthday Twin because I really needed a friend to talk to. I didn’t hear back from him. It’s Saturday and I still haven’t heard a word. I think he did the guy thing where he freaked out and ran away when he felt something. I really honestly wanted friendship out of him bottom line. I thought he understood me and I understood him, but maybe I was wrong. I have no intention of going back down the sex buddy road with him again, but I’d like to think we could still hang out as buds.
So last night I ended up hanging out with the Potential Guy. I was excited to see him, but also nervous since our last talk. I wasn’t sure how to be. We went to dinner and then we walked around downtown. It was one of those evenings where both of us had a lot on our minds and you could almost feel it in the air between us. I wasn’t feeling very good and we ended up going to my house with the perfect remedy for upset stomach: a movie and two different flavors of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. I love that this boy loves food as much as I do! We snuggled on the couch and watched a movie, but we kept a certain amount of space. After the movie I was surprised to see him reaching for his shoes and getting ready to leave. I was really disappointed and asked what was the matter. He ended up talking about the girl he still had feelings for, the one he will never be with and has no chance with. He opened up to me about a lot of things and about how confused he is about me.
He talked about how much he likes me, and how he wants so badly to get over this girl. I told him how I honestly thought he was making a big mistake because there is something between us. We have these great dates and we are good together. He agreed and said he knew he met me for a reason and he wanted to see where things would go. He just didn’t want to hurt me, and was really confused about his emotions. He said the only thing that he wasn’t confused about was liking me.
I ended up letting him stay the night, and it was incredible. In the morning I was full of remorse. I can feel myself falling for PG, and I’m terrified. I told him how I was regretting what we did and I was even more confused. He told me he wasn’t dating anyone else and he didn’t plan to. He said he wanted to keep dating, but slow it down a bit. He said he wanted to see where this was going, and he wanted to be sure we weren’t being cloudy with all the physical stuff.
I am really conflicted now. On the one hand, I’m thrilled he wants to give us a try, but on the other hand I am terrified. What if we give it a few months and he decides I don’t hold a candle to the girl he can’t have? What if he never fully lets himself fall for me? What if I fall and he crushes me completely? What if continuing to see this guy who is obviously confused is just a huge mistake? On the one hand I want to just say go away until you figure yourself out. But then I worry that we’re both missing out on something great. Right now I’m trying to take it day by day, but keep my options open. I want to have fun hanging out with him, but I am holding onto my heart. That might be easier said than done.